It's like, standing in a loud, crowded room, people laughing and talking and carrying on, when suddenly, someone yells "Fire!" and everyone runs out except you.

I am forcing myself to write about something so I have inspiration. Its always interesting to see where this goes. One can wander down some interesting roads when just randomly putting pen to paper. Lets see, right now I am feeling-lonely, but suprisingly okay with that. I am thinking about-Where the Music Leads You and him, and all the problems that encompas him, and the fact that I shouldn't be thinking about him anymore. That's enough. Im done. For some reason, this blog makes him come to mind. Could it be because every word is about him? Hmmm, I wonder... I am wishing I was-In New Jersey. But then again, New Jersey is different now. Doesn't hold the same charm and wonder that it used to. And now Im depressed. Today, my only regret is that- i wont remember it tomorrow. I have no inspiration because- I am seriosly distracted. I need to focus. I want to write. I am going to go to facebook... wow, this post sucks.

I Rode the Thunder

Sometimes, you come to the edge of a cliff. Sometimes, its a literal cliff, but more often then not, its a metaphoric one. And you have to make a decission. You can either jump or walk away. You can attempt the climb down to the bottom, but it's usually rocky and slow. So, you have to decide which will bring you the best results. And what is coming (what you usually don't know) is a giant storm with rolling thunder and striking lightning and high winds. And it's a mess. And it's about to take the mess that you've become and magnify it by about infinity. Yeah, this is a pretty serious moment. Here you are, looking over the edge of a three hundred...no, three thousand foot drop and there is a crowd of people behind you, who you love desperately, all waiting for you to do something, anything, because your life isn't the only one hanging in the balance. Its theirs too, and what you make of yourself will effect all of them. Here you go, kid. Here's an umbrella, a bungee chord, a prayer, and some really good running shoes incase the whole going down thing doesn't work out in your favor. See, in my opinion, the best option is just to wait. Wait for that storm to come. I promise, it won't be long. Because when it comes, it will bring you to a deffinite conclusion. It will push you over the edge and you won't have a choice. But, most likely, you will catch an updraft. And you will ride the thunder all the way to a safe landing, where all those loved ones are waiting for you. And when you come back down to earth, remember where you've been, and don't regret it. Don't pretend it didn't happen, and don't turn your back on the lessons that the past has taught you. And most importantly, don't forget to give me a call. I'll share my story if you share yours.

Freedom in Chains

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
But I had to do it.
Please understand.
I didn't do it to hurt you,
Or to make you look bad.
I would never do that. Not ever.
I did it because I was falling apart.
And I had preserved what we had for so long,
In a perfect little airtight safe in my head
Hoping someday, you'd change your mind.
And believing, all the while,
That if you didn't
I would want that memory of you there to hold onto.
And I do.
But that memory was controling me.
It wouldn't become a memory.
It was still being lived.
And I still keep your memory,
Because I still don't regret a second of it,
I keep it tucked away
So that when a rainy day comes,
And I feel alone,
I can pull it out,
And remember those days when I believe we
Both
were so alive.
And hapy.
I wouldn't trade you for the world.
But we never really came to a resolution.
We never had an ending.
Yes, our relationship ended,
Butu our friendship was just floating in space
In between friends and enemies,
And I needed a conclusion.
I needed it all to be over.
Finality.
And now that it is,
I have this wierd feeling.
I've never been angry at someone before.
Not genuinly, deeply angry.
Until last night.
It's a strange thing, anger is.
The strangest part is that
It stems from love.
Now I'm not angry anymore.
Now I don't feel the need to hate you,
Or myself.
Because it is all over.
And I feel free
For the first time in six months.
And I know very well that a part of me is still in your hands.
But a part of you is still in my heart.
The part that I want to remember.
I'm still in chains.
I still don't want to love again.
Not any time soon.
But that is because I can feel my heart
For the first time in six months,
And it doesn't hurt.
So im in no rush
To repeat the experience.
The heartbreak,
However,
Was worth it.
Thank you.
And good-bye, friend.
Always,
Ashleigh.

@#%&UISTNHGY OT^%#!*(()*#$@$%^*&(^%#RUIU#@UF#$*%$#@!Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats how im feeling,
Thank you very much.

Ok
That is it.
The end
Mission Failure
System Down
Housten, I think you are the problem.
No more of this chasing you crap.
You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself,
And I am wasting my time giving myself to you.
I cant be your cheerleader anymore.
You lied to me, you broke a million promises,
And you treat me like a stranger who you never loved.
Who you never even knew.
Go ahead.
Pretend you are someone you're not.
You're a bold faced liar,
And your friends don't know the real you because you don't even know who you really are.
You walk around with this depressed, meancholy, fell sorry for me attitude,
But you bring it on yourself.
It was your fault that I let you in once.
My fault that I let myself go on loving you.
My heart is tired of hurting.
I am tired of fighting.
One of these days,
You are going to wake up,
And wish you had let me catch you.
Hopefully for me,
That is the same day I will be waking up next to the guy who did.
Stay away from me.
That's it.
Bye.

Why I Do What I Do

Why do I write? Someone asked me the other day. I did not have an answer for them. "Because." I told them. Now, if I had asked a question, and someone responded with "because", I would have wanted to drop kick them. I hate that word. That word means one of two things. It either means you don't actually have a reason, and you're just spitting out the one thought that comes to mind, or you have a deffinite reason, and just don't care to share. Laziness. That's what it is. And in any case, "because" does not apply to me. I do write for a reason. But it is not one deffinite thing. Not that I can fully express. Now, however, after I considered it, I thought of what I should have said.

I write, like most others, to draw connections between the past, the present, and the future. I write to make sence of the things that didn't make sence when they happened. I write because it's the only way I really know how to keep a solid record of time. I take what people call black and white, and make a mess out of things, creating this big blob of grey. It's like squirting paint on a canves. Imagine it. The sound it makes, squeezing the bottle until nearly all it's contents are on the stretched vinal. Then take your hands, and rub them around in the cool, sticky paint until the white and black are no longer two seperate colors, and instead, they are so blended together that it is a big puddle of grey on the canvas, and on your hands. Who wouldn't want to do that? Yes, it gets a little dirty at times, but even still, it's a good kind of dirty. And finally, I write to bridge the gap between reality and the imagined. What we feel, and what we do. Between truth and lies. Because there is no set definition of reality. What we feel rarely coresponds to what we do, and there is truth, even in the lies. I write to show pain, happiness, pride, fear, helplessness, and love. I write because often, I cannot find the words to speak it. Because nothing, to me, seems as real as when it is writen down on paper, where I can see it. Where I can show it to the world, and hope they understand, too. Where I can draw the image with words, exactly how the sky looked that night that two young, innocent, and sweetly nieve kids lied on the grass, holding hands under the crisp autumn moon. I can express the was his hand felt in mine, warm, and fitted like a puzzlepiece. I can show you how the ocean smells just after the rain, and the way that salty, miosture holds onto your lungs peanut-butter to the roof of your mouth. The sound of a friends voice, raised in song, so full she was almost in tears. The taste of hot spaghetti prepared moments ago in a kitchen where time stopped and the only thing that mattered in the world was that the sauce not boil over the brim of the pot. All of those sencory things, that you would never get to experience if I didn't write them down. And all of those things that I am afraid to forget. I write because the people are too great, and the life is too precious, to be forgotten.

Dawning

As the summer fades,
and slowly,
Comes to a close,
I realize something.
I will never get those days back.
As I am here, trying to keep up,
The world is hurdeling around me,
Doing laps around my breathless body.
Yesterday, I was two years old.
I was dreamind wide eyed,
Into a kalydascope,
Dinosaurs spinning around,
Glitter and water dancing around them.
Now, I sit here tonight,
Typing on my computer, and no one is listening.
No one hears what I am saying.
And no one would get it even if they did.
I am sitting here, talking to you,
Or the invisible, non existant something,that I have chosen to call "you".
I have to make plans.
I have to live my life.
Im going to have to leave home, away from the comfort,
And the safety,
And the acceptance,
And venture out into a world that I don't understand,
And that scares the hell out of me.
I AM afraid.
Not because I'm growing up.
Because I'll never grow up again.

(exhale)

This waiting is making me crazy.
I know you are trying to decide between me, and someone else,
And it's killing me.
I wish it was something you just knew.
It's my fault. I told you to take your time.
Of course, for once, you listen.
It really doesn't matter.
I've already proven to you, myself, and the rest of the planet
That I am not going anywhere.
I tried to move on, and it felt wrong.
It wasn't there.
I realized, I don't care about him the way I care about you.
It was impossible to even think of him in the same brainspace that thoughts of you were once stored.
A great friend once told me,
"Once you truely fall in love,
You will never fall out"
Well, let me tell ya,
It's a blessing and a curse.
I wish I didn't love you.
I hate that I love you. But I do.
And I just want it to be over.
I need you to either take me back,
Or tell me you can never see me again.
Then I need you to dissapear.
Because I will always love you.
And seeing you hurts.
And while I'm here waiting for you,
I'm getting used to being lonely,
And that's what scares me the most.

Another Sun Soaked Season Fades Away

It's almost over.
The sun sets one last time,
Heavily below the endless blue.
As the weather begins to turn,
And a breeze begins to chill,
Longing fills my soul.
Where did it go?
Was I asleep?
How did we miss it?
A season like a flash of lightning.
First it's there,
Breif,
Beautiful,
Distructive,
Then it's gone,
And only the ember remains.
My sunsoaked soul burns for you.
Missing you, even though you are right here.
All summer I waited,
All summer I prayed.
And I can go on waiting if that's the rice I have to pay.
But as the sun sinks one last time,
And the gold, orange and red
Turns to grey, blue and white,
As the cold begins to set in,
As reality brings lonliness like a ton of bricks,
I'm asking you,
Begging you
One more time.
One more chance.
Don't venture into the dry season alone.
Not when you have warm, open arms right here wanting you.
I'll share with you my invinsible summer.
But until you come back,
My summer song can't sing.
Come with me to a place where seasons don't exist.
I can show you...
Oh so much.
I am reaching out,
Out into the vast, endlessness of summer.
Back into the memories,
Back into the sun,
But it is getting farther and farther away.
And it isn't reaching back.
Goodbye, summer.
Maybe next year...

For Someone With My Last Name

I've been thinking of you for a while.Trying to understand why you don't care.Why you never come to visit.Why you barely know me.Why I have to come to you every summer, and act like it's all okay.When I get to thinking about that, I hate you. Or I want to hate you. Then I think about who you are, and end up hating myself. Hating myself for not being able to hate you.

You're an artist. Those hands have destroyed so much, but the few things they have created, have been amazing. I know I got it from you. I know that the creativity in me, the ability to see like an artist, and feel like an artist, that is because your blood is running through my veins. The imagination in my heart, no. That comes from someone else. Somewhere else. You never taught me. Never once did you take me aside, and help me understand myself. You never showed me how, or even let me observe you. So I know that my heart, and my mind does not come from you. That is the part I have control of. But it's in my blood. In an undeniable way. Someone just pointed that out to me, and it all made sence. The blood in my veins is blood I am ashamed of at times. Or blood that I wish I could be ashamed of. But it's there, and it's because of you. So I guess I should thank you.

Coolhand Luke

I walk in, and you grin, and make some offhanded comment about how I'm late, or look confused.
I smile, roll my eyes, and sit down next to you.
You pretend to be gruff, and grumpy.
You joke, and tease, and act unapproving of my lifestyle,
Of the spaztic way I think, or dress.
You don't often say much, and what you do say is pessimistic.
You rarely make direct eye contact, but when you do, you hold it there.
And I can't help but notice that it is all very familiar to me.
But I can't quite put my finger on it.
Then something goes wrong.
I get knocked down again, and you show up, without even being asked,
To pull me back up.
You go from distant and harsh,
To gentle and sweet.
You're there.
And I know what it is.
You're my Luke Danes.
We're just friends,
But we're not friends at all.
We love each other,
But we can't stand each other.
We need each other,
But niether one of us will admit it.
We tryed to be more then friends, and we failed. You bailed out.
You were scared.
Your life was too complicated.
And I waited.
I tried moving on,
But it wasn't right.
Now you're back again,
And you say you're on the fence.
You have two roads to walk down,
And one road to choose,
And I know you'll take your sweet time.
But when it all caves in,
And the rain starts to fall,
And everything starts to end and begin at once,
You'll find me.
And I will be here.
You're my Coolhand.
And whatever role you choose,
Friends, or otherwise,
I will be here.

Confusion

Which Way is up
Which way is down
Which is the quickest
Escape out of town
Things fall apart
And spyral and sink
It happens in seconds
So I try not to blink
Nothing else matters
To me anymore
Nothing is helping
I can't find the cure
If everything ends
And nothing can stay
What is the point
Of trying again???

Now, maybe you'll see that I am right here. Seriously, who else would sit and listen to their ex talk about his failed relationship with his previous girlfriend. Who else swould say, "I'm sorry she hurt you" and actually mean it. Who else carries that capacity of love to you, and is cool with you being honest and upset in her arms, knowing that you say you don't love her anymore? Come on. How long are we going to do this? Cuz I could go on forever, but I need to know if I have to.

Okay, that's it. I swear! WORLD, stop telling me to get over it! I am not going to get over it any time soon. I am not going to forget and move on. I am not going to walk away. I am not going pretend I don't love him anymore. I thought I could. I thought I could set a date, and after that, all would end. I wouldn't miss him any more. Well, crazy thing, I was wrong. I still miss him, I still think about him constantly, I still want him back, and I still love him! It doesn't matter that he broke my heart into a thousand teeny tiny pieces, that he lied to me, that he broke his promises, and that he moved on to some freshmen within two weeks. It doesn't even matter that he doesn't love me anymore! I DO. And until I stop, adding to the problem by asking me when it will happen, and telling me I need to, and constantly mentioning his name WILL NOT HELP! So cut it out. Cuz I'm slow, damnit!

The days for me have been a blurr of noises, colors, and emotions.
Nothing has been clear, or vivid.
Nothing has made sence.
I've been losing all that I stand on,
And I remain, helpless to stop the maddness,
Watching it crumble from beneath my feet.
Dust rises, and ashes fly.
My blue eyes have been grey, from all the smoke they have seen.
Anger and confusion has been building like a tsunami inside of me,
And I can feel the water rising in my chest,
Quickly drowning me.
Desperate to escape this prison,
I make a mad dash for the surface,
And hope to find some air there.
What I find is you,
Back again, just in time.
Like a super hero,
With a cape and a lasso,
And you yank me back out of the darkness.
You tell me you've been worried,
And you drown me again in music,
Like the old days, before things got complicated.
My friend, you saved me.
Again.
And now, I am wandering slowly back toward my imaginitive reality.

Note to Self

A-HA!
Did I just see you smile?
No freakin' way!
You can still do it.
Let me take this moment to say...
Told ya so!
See, life's not so bad, is it?
Yes, he broke your heart.
But It's not over.
You've still got a lot to do.
A lot to see.
And you've got a group of friends who would walk through the fire for you.
Who love you.
And you would be LOST without them.
Keep writing!
Keep singing!
Keep dreaming!
KEEP LOVING!
Remember that you are reckless,
That you are NOT crazy.
(well, not certifiable, anyway)
And you are not gonna be alone for the rest of your life.
Cheer up, lil miss sunshine.
The world is a good place.

Finding the Edge

There is a town off of Route 70, and it sits quietly between two big cities, and the ocean. Tourists from miles around flock to the coast to spend their summers on the white beaches, and sink away into the famed Jersey lifestyle, where blue waves crash on the shore, and the smell of salt water and magnolia drift on the warm, dense air like that's where it was hung. But no one can really understand it's beauty unless you experience it from the inside. In this town, there is a house. A little green house, to be exact. Years ago, it rested on sand. It was the perfect place, just far enough away from the shore that the traffic from the tourists didn't clog the road, but close enough that you could see the fireworks from the boardwalk every tuesday and wednesday night all summer long. It was a safe haven from the outside world, and the harsh persistance of reality. Now, in this house, there was this girl. She was small for her age, and full of wonder. It was the one place she could always count on, when her world was constantly shifting, and taking on new forms. She had memorized, by age four, every square inch of that house. She knew it like the back of her hand, and retraced it's shape and content every night before she fell asleep. She knew where her toys were kept, and how they were always there, in the same place, nomatter how long she had been away. She knew where her grandmother kept her secret stash of after-dinner mints, that she knew she was allowed to sneak every now and then, as long as her mother never found out. She knew where the teddy bear sticker was stuck to the wall, at the highest point she could reach, and she knew exactly how many pencils were in the junk drawer. She knew all the secrets, all the kinks, little details about every item in that house, and every item on the outside. She even knew where to leave the carrots that she fed to the rabbit that lived in the vacant field across the street. It was the one place in the world that she felt no fear. With time, everything changes. Everything becomes less magical and perfect that it once seemed. Now, the streets of that town are narrower. The buildings are grayer. And the ocean is saltier. Everyone rushes, and yells, and beeps their carhorns.That house is faded. Not as bright as it used to be. And that little girl is being forced into the dark age of reason and reality. Someone took her grandmother away from her, and now, there is no one to share secrets with. No one to tell her stories about the Pineys, and the Jersey Devil, no one to sneak late night after-dinner mints with. Someone came in and moved everything around. They threw away the couch, and the coffee table. They emptied out the junk drawer. They repainted, and retiled, and undid everything. Nothing looks the same now. And nothing feels as safe. She can't stay where she is, because she never felt accepted there, and she can't go home, because she isn't even sure that exists anymore. She still goes back to that town, to that house. Late at night, when she is drifting off to sleep, she can sometimes hear the childish laughter of a little girl that once lived there. A little girl with blonde hair, and deep blue eyes. Now, she is just a ghost, stuck in a time she refuses to let go of. The sound of her tiny footfalls echo off the tiled floor, and her fingerprints recover every inch. I should tell her that things have changed. That if she were to look closely, and move on, that she would see nothing is how it used to be. But she seems so happy, so oblivious, and I remember how I felt when her soul was inside of me. So, I smile while I listen to her whisper stories into the invisible ears of the haunted walls, and I watch as she stares listlessly into the night from her special tree in the front yard . I let her be, and close my eyes as the memories engulf me. Someday, I will let go of that child. Someday, I will allow her to grow up, and face the facts. But not now. She is too young. And still has so much to see.

That's a Rap

This is the end of the road.
I won't sit here and miss you any longer.
I played my part,
I tried desperately to get you back,
And you walk by me as if you never knew me.
You don't know my name, and you sure as hell never loved me.
So screw you. You're a jackass, and you're wasting my time.
Time that I could be giving to someone who wants it.
You're damn straight, I'm angry.
A step beyond, if you wanna get technical about it.
But it doesn't matter to me anymore.
You are a !@#$%^&*()^%%%$@#@#!#@%!
And if you walk out in front of a train tomorrow,
I might stop having the bus dream. :)

Been listening to too much Kimya Dawson...

You think I'm crazy, you think I'm insane,
Cuz I found Atlantis and dance in the rain.
And once you've known me, you won't be the same,
Cuz I made you rethink every rule you once made.
Admit that I scared you, that I was too fast,
That I was five years ahead while you were stuck in the past.
And once you were under, you almost; at long last;
Let go of the memories that were holding you back.
You saw life different, through blue listless eyes
And your jaded decorum was just a disguise
That I almost had you, when you realized
You were reconsidering the way you lived life.
You're scared to be happy, afraid to be healed,
Don't know what to do if this pain you can't feel,
The idea of eden seems almost unreal
And you refuse to be held tight by arms made of steel
That will never let go, and will keep you so safe,
Will force you away into a new hiding place
Where it is possible to travel through space,
And you would have loved it, I saw on your face.
But your pain is your comfort, your solice, your rock
Your edge is the landing you hit when you drop,
How ironic that I am the "walking paradox"
When you are the one whose start button says "stop"- ASH 2008

Lost in Translation.

So che devo essere stato apatico. O sembrato apatico. Lei vede, ciò è come sono. Ho paura. Alla molto radice della parola. La paura mi controlla. Dunque faccio attenzione che lasciare dentro. E come profondo viaggiano nelle interruzioni polverose del mio cuore. Avevo paura perderla. L'ho amata così. In qualche modo, l'ho pensato andrebbe via. Ho saputo che io non potrebbe tenerla lungo. Indovino avevo ragione. Odio ha ragione.
So che lei non mi sa. E la parte di che potrebbe essere la mia colpa. Sono lento per fidarsi di. So anche che lei crede che io non la sappia. Ciò è dove lei hanno torto. La so. Dunque bene. Lei non mi ha creduto quando l'ho detto che capisco delle persone. Posso vederli oltre ciò che è sull'esterno. Lei ha continuato a negarlo, anche quando lei ha visto la destra di prova prima dei suoi occhi. La so. Non importa quanto lei vuole pensare che faccia non.
Ero distante. Ero prudente. Ero inquieto. Ero affilato. So. Ma ero spaventato. Con gli occhi aperti, lei ha visto la mia conchiglia dura, la mia paura, la mia ansia, ed il piccolo disastro ho creato dell'interno di anni fa di mie. Lei mi ha chiamato un che il Camminando Paradosso, e ho riso appena. Ma lei aveva ragione. Lotto con mie. C'è un combattimento costante tra la mia testa ed il mio cuore, e non fa mai una pausa, non cheta mai o calma. I miei pensieri mi perseguitano; il mio passato mi perseguita. Letteralmente. Ma che lei non ha visto; che ho fatto quando i suoi occhi erano chiusi; è la maniera ho memorizzato ogni marchio, ogni cicatrice, ogni pollice di lei, e l'ha riposto sul retro della mia mente, portare la luce a quei che gli spaventando pensieri. Lei non sa probabilmente che ho contato i secondi tra ogni respiro che lei ha portato. E lei è completamente inconsapevole del fatto che ho guardato l'alba di sole e la serie nei suoi occhi ogni notte. L'ho amata. Con l'il più vero cuore il più puro,. L'ho amata con l'intensità matta, e l'emozione cieca. Lei mi ha fatto sente la cassaforte, che è qualcosa nessuno ha potuto conseguire prima. Ed il tocco semplice della sua mano mi ha dato le farfalle. Manco che così molto.
Adesso, devo salutare. Lei ha rotto la sua promessa. Ed il mio cuore, con esso. La sono fidata di. Le ho detto la mia regola. Ho spiegato come incredibilmente complicato, ancora semplice ero. Una regola, ciò era tutto. Non un duro un di seguire. Ed ancora, lei non potrebbe farlo. E lei ha promesso. , Qui è così come questo andrà. Camminerò lontano, e la parte alla sua vita. Ma lei non ritornerà mai. Mai. Perché l'accetterò, e la porta a braccia aperte sostiene. La farò entrare ancora in una pulsazione sola. Darò ancora voi tutti di me, e lei mi dorrà ancora. L'amerò sempre. Sapere ciò. L'ho amata, e ciò le ho detto quotidianamente. E lei ha risposto lo stesso. Ma lei non ha mai fatto. Amare non finisce appena su un dieci centesimi, per nessuna ragione. Ancora, lei dice che lei non sa perché lei ha fermato per amare me. Ma lei ha fatto. Non dimenticherò mai le sue ultime parole a me. Si, lei ha finito su una nota cattiva. Sincronizzazione cattiva. Ma forse è il destino giusto. Sono la colpa di gonna esso su che perché non voglio pensare che lei era la causa. Che non era il suo orgoglio e la sua mancanza di emozione che ha condotto ci a questa strada. Voglio credere che lei mi abbia amato a alcuno punto. Non posso credere che lei ha fatto non. Non con la maniera lei mi ha tenuto. Lei ha dovuto a. Così se lei andrà realmente, starà andato. Perché l'amo tuttavia. I still love you.

As I wander through these empty halls,
My footfalls echoing in the silence,
I hear your voice,
But don't see your face.
I sence your presence,
But don't feel your touch.
White engulfs me.
I touch the walls,
And they are cold.
I can see nothing different ahead of me,
But I walk forward anyway.
And that's when it hits me.
This is not a dream.
This is how loving you has always been.
It just took me untill now to realize it.
You never meant it.
Not once.
You had me going, though.
In reality, this is how you always felt.
Cold,
Raw,
Emotionless.
Empty.
And in knowing this,
It does hurt.
Simply because of the all of me that I gave to you.
But,
Now I see.
It is all just a game to you.
And maybe they're right.
You weren't worth my time then,
And you're not worth my pain now.
I am stronger then that.
Maybe stronger then I think.
And it's time for me to go it alone for a while.
To find myself.
To stop fearing.
I DON'T need you.
Suddenly, color inches over the barren white desert walls.
Red, orange, pink, blue.
They melt, dripping over the emptiness,
And heat rises from the floor.
Suddenly I am surrounded by brick walls,
Exposed pipes,
Hard wood floors,
Metal statues reflecting light beaming through the windows
And in the center of a raised platform,
A white canves on an easle.
The only white in the room.
Buckets of paint at my feet,
And brushes in my hands.
Free to do what I want,
To create a new reality,
One which is not hindered by you.
The perfect place
Saturated by art and color,
With a city out my window,
No need to sleep,
No need to cry,
I have work to do.
Goodbye, Love.

Don't Be Afraid

People are all the same. Nomatter where you go, it's the same in any language. We all need a few things; food, water, spirit, love, the list goes on, a house, family, friends, a job, a purpose, freedom, security. All of these things are important, and necessary to living a full life. But there is more we have in common. You and me. And I know you think we have nothing. I know you like to play pretend, and smile like everything is okay. But inside, I know you are afraid. How do I know? Well, my love, first of all, I invented the concept. I have been mastered by fear, and am often controlled by it. And second of all, I can read people. Like books. Ask anyone. You have no chance. Sorry. We all have special..."gifts". You make people smile. Even when you're not trying to. You create this sence of security, like when you just held on tight through the rain, and never let go until it was over. What do I do? I fix things. I'm not good with words, and I can't give you the cold hard truth, like it or not. I have friends that do that. No, I stay silent, and let you cry. I'll hold on to you, and let you tell me whats wrong, and I will gently, slowly, and steadily harness your pain, and drive it away. I'm Little Miss Sunshine, afterall... So just cut the crap already. Stop acting like you don't care. Stop ignoring me, and start talking. Most importantly, stop pretending that you are fearless. You're not. None of us are. And while you are a great actor, I can see right through that paper thin wall you've built, and it will only fall on top of you in the end. Let me take it down before that happens. I'm here. I'm ALWAYS here. Me. The one who knows you, and would jump in front of a train for you. It's only me. Don't be afraid.

I've Reached a Verdict

Here is my consensus.
I'll wait for you.
No matter how long it takes.
No matter how many meaningless relationships you wander through.
No matter how many hurtful words you say to me.
Cuz, baby, that's what love is.
And that's what you have in me.
And you know it.
Deep down, I know you do.
So I'm gonna stay right here, and wait.
And if you never realize how much
I love you,
Then you will remember me.
You will see me in everything you do.
I will haunt your memory like the wind haunts the sea,
And you will hear my voice in every song.
You will always know how I feel about you.

How did we let this happen?
We let love slip right through our hands.
Your hands.
I'm still holding on.
Holding on to the hope that someday,
You might love me again.
You might let yourself love me again.
I know you do.
I see it in the way you look at me.
In the way your eyes scream out.
I know that you think you don't deserve it.
I know life for you has not been easy.
I know that you don't get the love that you deserve.
No one appreciates you like they should.
And because of this,
You think you are worthless.
BUT YOU'RE NOT.
You CAN be loved.
And you are.
If you would only open your eyes,
You would see that I am right here,
Waiting for you to come back.
To realize.
You have someone who loves you,
More then life itself,
Right here.
I'm right here.
And I would do anything to hold you again.
I want to hold you again.
I miss you.
So much.
Ive never felt this way before.
Never loved someone so much,
It made me cry.
I told myself I could get over you.
But I can't.
It only hurts worse as time goes by.
And seeing you
Makes me feel dizzy.
Like I lost you,
somehow,
I lost everything that meant anything to me
In a matter of ten minutes.
And I want you back.
Please come home.
Just.
Come.
Home.
Signed forever yours,
Ash.

Me and Emily

I spent my day in the mind of a two year old.
We chased butterflys,
And smelled flowers,
And rolled around in the grass.
We let time,
And everything related to it,
Slip out of our hands.
It had been a long time since I allowed myself
To just let everything fall off.
To ignore reality.
I looked into her big hazel eyes,
And found what I was missing.
That innocence.
That wonder and amazement with everything around me.
I had had it once.
Not so long ago.
But the dark hour of reason had recently pierced its way in.
Into my soul.
And it stung.
I'd much rather look on life with the eyes of a child.
Like Emily.
Running and jumping through the flowers,
Through the woods,
Through the creek,
Laughing and smiling,
And holding my hand.
I'm regressing.
Its been decided.
Kids know what life is all about.
They understand that every fleeting moment is beautiful.
Wonderful.
And they embrace it.

Promises...
"I will never break your heart."
"I promise."
I let you in.
Gave you everything.
Placed my fragile heart in your hands,
And let myself love you,
Which is something I had wanted for a long time.
Now,
I look around me,
And all I want is you back.
For you to come home where you belong.
With me.
We all know how the story ends.
Or rather,
How it should end.
"Happily Ever After"
Yeah right.
I don't want much.
It is easy to make me happy.
All it takes is your arms.
Your smile.
Your touch.
Your eyes.
Only you.
Only you can make this better.
People keep saying,
"Well, he wasn't right for you."
I nod, and agree,
But then, I think,
"What am I saying?
He is PERFECT for me.
He is EVERYTHING I ever wanted. "
And now, you are gone.
And I am left,
Retracing every line,
Going over all of our conversations in my head,
Trying to figure out where we went wrong.
To see the signs.
To find the point where I did something to lose your love.
The only love that I felt safe in.
I love you, damnit.
And i WANT YOU BACK.
Please come back.
I don't know what to do without you.
The simplest way to say it is,
"I miss you"

I see you everywhere.
You are in the songs on the radio.
In the songs in my head.
I think they know I lost you.
And they're trying to find ways to torture me.
You're in the grass,
Your outline and mine,
So close together,
Where we starred at the stars that I now see your eyes in.
Your face is engraved on the gray walls
Of every building our intertwined shaddows crossed.
I see tic-taks in my sleep.
I hear your voice in my head
"You walking paradox"
"You hippy"
I'd never been insulted in such a loving way before.
Every time I touch my guitar,
I see your fingers dance across the fret board.
I see us,
Sitting so close,
Watching our favorite movie, and quoting every line,
Laughing so hard,
And I see you rolling your eyes when that song comes on.
I hear that song in the rain.
I hear it in the shower.
I hear it in my dreams.
I hear it EVERYWHERE.
Your fingerprints are on my hands,
My stomach,
My head,
My heart,
When the wind blows,
I feel your hand running through my hair.
I see your smile,
Your eyes,
In everyone I pass on the street.
I hear your voice,
Your empty promises,
When I watch television.
When I am alone in a quiet place.
And every time I look in the mirror,
I see you.
I see your eyes instead of mine.
I see you.
I can't get you out of my head.

Nothing lasts forever. No matter how much you might think it will. No matter how much of yourself you pour into it. You can turn your world upside down, and yourself inside out, and you will still lose in the end. That's what love is. A cold, and broken song, echoing through delapidated ruins in hollow hearts. It is the loud cry of the ocean waves at night. Beautiful, but desperate, and haunting. Captivating, but reckless, and dangerous. Its always colder then it looks, and saltier then you expect. Salty like tears, and blood. Like the essence of wasted time. Like the essence of wasted hearts. It's decieving. But lonliness is terrible. Unavoidable, but horible. It's terrifying. More so then giving someone everything, like I did. So, now, with a heavy, bruised, shattered, glued, and duct taped, I stand back up, dust myself off, and attempt to reassemble the components of reality. Or rather, the opposite of reality. Of the world I created inside my head for the two of us. The beautiful world that you tore down with one foul swoop. In five words. Five sharp, ravenous words, that decided our fate. That I prayed would change. But I now understand that they won't. And I can't waste time pretending they will. So now, for a short time only, I am offering a special, one-time deal on a previously owned heart. Slightly tattered, alittle dirty, but in decent repair, and desperate for someone. Terrified of being alone. Hurry now while supplies last.

The Rain Man and Little Miss Sunshine

Well, there once was a rain man.
Thought he didn't need love.
And there was no use in tryin,
He could never be enough.
He spent so much of his life,
In a dark and empty room
Till she shed a little love light,
And showed him aother tune.
Oh yeah, Little Miss Sunshine
Held the world in her hands.
She was so self relient.
Not gonna trust any man.
Thought her life was completed.
But she was all alone at night.
And with a touch of healing rain,
He made the darkness alright.

Chorus
And the rain fell down on the daytime,
And filled up her empty soul
And the sun shined down on his darkness
And showed him he wasn't alone.

Yeah, our story goes on now.
Looks like they both found a way
To evenly share
The dark and the day.
And now little miss sunshine
Sings in the rain.
And the rain man he fell in love.
Now he'll never be the same.

(chorus)

So what is the lesson,
In my words and rhymes?
Well, it's the only sollution
To make it through in these times.
Yeah, we all need an anchor.
Somethin willing to hold
When it seems all our planning
And our struggles unfold.
Now, they've both found each other.
And the sun and the rain
Well they rise and fall together
In all that life throws their way.
hmm hmm hmm...
CHORUS

I Have Missed You

There's that smile.
The one that takes my heart, and melts it.
Right down to a liquid.
That sarcastic, "You've flipped your lid" grin that you always give me.
It reminds me that you love me.
And there's that touch.
The one that I long for, and miss, even when I have it.
The one that makes me forget everything bad.
Like there is nothing but sunshine and flowers in my life...
And orange tic taks.
Those eyes that put the city lights to shame.
That radiate a glow around us.
And that voice.
Sweet, deep, and, (this is sooo out of character for me), but,
Sexy.
You make me laugh!
God, do you know that?
Do you have the slightest idea of how much Ive missed you?
Do you know that while you were out,
Looking for yourself in space,
I was waiting for you to come home?
Welcome home, love.
My love.
My saving grace.

Thank You

Thank you for listening.
Thank you for being the one I fall on.
And never asking for anything in return.
Thank you for being there,
Unceasingly,
And in a way that no one else ever was.
Thank you for understanding me.
For seeing that I am not that difficult.
Thank you for letting me in.
And not pushing me away.
Thank you for letting me know you.
For considering me a part of your life.
Thank you for a smile that makes me smile,
And a laugh that makes me laugh.
Thank you for loving arms to catch me,
And for the toughness when I needed to learn to be on my own.
Thank you for the most amazing gift,
The gift of friendship.

Never Never Land

Here's a little cheese for ur macaroni!

Lately, this world's feeling heavy.
Like the pressure could drown me alive.
And as I'm losing my grip on my innocence,
Im losing my one safe place to hide.
The streets of my dreams are getting narrower,
And the sun seems to shine less each day,
And the walls that once seemed so proverbial
Are hastily fading to gray.
There's an emptiness somewhere inside of me
That only gets deeper with time,
And the only think giving me strength in this battle,
Is the whisper that tells me you're mine.
So lets get away from this madness.
Lets run off where no one can find.
Our one special place lost in secret.
Tonight all the stars are aligned.
And we'll fly away to Never Never Land.
Where the world can't tell us to grow old.
Like Wendy and Peter, our love will grow stronger,
And true as the wonder we hold.
It's easy to get there, I know the way
With some fairy dust we could be soaring.
And we'll rest our dreams on feather weight wings,
First star to the right, on till morning.
ACE- 5/10/o8

To A Butterfly

You are so young,
You believe you are invincible.
Nothing could ever stop you.
You dance because in your mind,
There is nothing that isn't music.
You dream of colors that don't yet exist.
Every sound,
Every smell,
Every touch,
Is new and amazing.
The world is waiting for you to uncover it,
And no rock will remain unturned.
And yet,
I want to hold you back.
You want to chase the butterflys across the yard,
And out into the world,
And I just want to hold on to you.
Your innocnce is not permanent.
I want to tell you that this is a world,
Not like you imagine.
It's a cold, hard place.
And it steals childhood;
The one promise that is never kept.
I want to tell you that it isn't safe.
That there is danger
Waiting around every corner.
I want to protect you from everything that could hurt you,
And you just want to fly.
So, the best I can do is learn to fly too.
I can fall back into childhoods wonder.
I can be the one person that will find magic in everything with you.
And rediscover how fascinating it is
To watch birds land on the telephone wires.
Or how captivating the rain is when it falls.
Because I cannot protect you forever.
And God knows that I shouldn't even try.
But I can hold on to the innocence that childhood brings,
And maybe,
Together,
We can stay young.
And you can keep that inborn sence of wonder
That life is so eager to take away from you.

Recurring Dream? or Sign?

There I am. Walking. All alone in this huge field. The grass is above my ankles, and brown. The sky above me is orange. Pure orange. In the distance, there is a school. A red brick school building. In the middle of this field, surrounded by nothing. And then, I see that between the school and me, there is a single tree. A big, strong, very alive tree, in the midst of all the dead grass and darkness. As I get closer, I see her. A little girl of no more then four, swinging from a swing tied to a branch. She is all alone, yet smiling. And she doesn't seem to notice me. "What are you doing?" I ask. The little girl picks her head up, and looks at me, uneffected. "I'm watching them." she states, calmly. "Who?" I ask. "Them." she repeats, pointing up at the tree with an innocent laugh, like little girls do. And there they are. Preschool aged children, playing in this tree, happily. Childish laughter fills the air. Then, all of a sudden, it becomes night. In the blink of an eye. There is a sound in the distance. Then it comes into view. A school bus is barreling down the field, out of control, and full of preschool children. I watch in horror, unable to stop it, as the inevitable happens. The bus crashes into the tree. Flames shoot out everywhere, and turn the sky orange again. And then, it is gone. Everything goes black. And then, starts over. This time, I know what is coming. And I see the little girl, and ask what she is doing. She doesn't remember. Not me, or the accident. And the whiole scene repeats itself over and over.

I know I love children. And I want to help them. To help them not be afraid. To protect them. That is my calling. So, after years of trying to decide what to be when I grow up, I have found it.

Your arms

Your arms make me feel safe.

Like nothing in the world could get to me.

Like you will be here,

Protecting me for the rest of forever.

And you have no idea how that feels.

After protecting myself for so long,

It is so nice not to have to watch my step.

Loving you is so easy.

When you wrap me in your arms,

Under the stars,

And I fall asleep on your shoulder.

I couldn't ask for more.

All I want anymore is to be held.

By you.

And that is so out of character for me.

But that's how your arms make me feel.

It's a love so strong,

It makes me cry.

I now know that it is okay to need someone

With a strength I didn't know I had.

Growing Young With You

We grow young together,
You and I.
I miss seeing that smile every day.
I miss hearing that laugh.
I miss everything that we were.
Those lazy days,
Being children,
Running through the woods,
Jumping through puddles,
Ignoring time,
And everything that went with it.
It did not exist.
But, children get older.
The time has changed.
So much has changed.
In both of us.
And more to come.
And still,
The winds of time have failed
In pulling us apart.
Nothing could.
You are the only one who knows me.
Who understands who I am,
And why.
And I hope that I understand you.
I know I do.
And when I see you,
I can breathe.
I can be myself.
No holds barred.
Because I have nothing to hide.
And you would know if I tried.
And when I am with you,
I grow young again.
Dreaming is okay.
And I can be who I want to be.
I grow yuong again.

Wanting

My heart is heavy,
And my eyes are weak.
I am losing consiousness along with my faith.
The storm keeps coming,
And I keep fighting,
But my attempts are feeble, and pointless.
Nothing I do can keep it away.
And in the midst of it all,
I cry out to you.
Lonliness overflows in my soul,
And I feel nothing.
Nothing except when you touch me.
Nothing except when you smile.
You make it better, and yet,
You don't know.
You don't know how lonley I am.
How desperately I want to just be held.
To feel safe.
I have been protecting myself for too long.
I no longer have the strength.
Or the desire.
I have enclosed myself in walls,
Built by my own hands,
And now, not even the sun can break through.
I have been waiting,
Waiting for someone who cares enough,
To tare down these confining walls,
And pull me out of the hole I have created.
Yes, I am waiting,
But something has changed.
And now, I know what I want.
What I need.
And what I need is you.
I need you to tare it down.
To want to know me on a level that no one has before.
To understand me.
To see that I am crazy,
And reckless,
And tameless.
That I run with reckless abandon,
With no destination in mind.
And I need you to love me anyway.
This is selfish of me, I know.
You deserve everything.
You deserve the world,
And all I can give you,
Is the ability,
mad passion,
and traveling partner,
To see every square inch of it.
I can't offer you wisdom,
Or even stability.
I wasn't born to be stable.
But,
If you want it,
If you are willing to give up the life that you deserve,
And take a chance with me,
Live on the edge of reality for a while,
And go farther then two wanderers have ever gone before,
I will give you everything.
Every part of me.
On my whole heart, I will engrave your name,
And place it in your hand.
Trust you with my fragile soul,
And follow you all the days of my life.

SUMMER

Summer is coming.
I can see it in the air,
the way the clouds linger just a little longer then before.
The sky is getting bluer.
The grass is getting greener.
The sun is getting warmer.
I can smell it
In the flowers,
And in the memory of salty sea breezes.
I can hear it
In the music that plays when I walk down the street,
Even though no music is around.
And I can feel it.
It is burning in my soul.
The invincible summer that lies within me
Knows that it is almost time.
It is scratching at the walls of my heart,
Ready to spring out,
And run free.
Ready to get lost in a world where time is irrelavent.
Where I can spend my days
and nights
with you, and obligations wont pull us away.
Nothing will pull us away.

Change Your Mind

Ok, it's cheesy I kno, but go with it.

Verse 1
Well you're a man of science
And you think you're smart.
You've got logic, baby
Down to an art.
You go and read your stories
And believe those lies.
But the stuff they tell you's nothin but
Allebies.
Cuz they don't know the first thing about
Life and how it works.
Take a walk with me you'll see
There's so much left to learn.
Chorus
It's easier then it seems
So much simpler then it looks.
And the stuff Im gonna teach you
You won't find in all your books.
Look a little deeper
Learn to read between the lines.
Take a breather for a day
Leave your logic thoughts behind
You might find
I won't change your world
But I just might change your mind.
Verse 2
It's not a twist of science
That gave the birds the wings to fly.
Not a chemical equasion that put the
Stars in the sky.
The beauty that surrounds you
Can't be understood by man.
It's greater then you think,
And all a part of some big plan.
There's no such thing as coincidence
And fate is in control.
There's so much I can show you if you
Just let go
(repeat chorus)
Come down to the river with me
I'll show you the design.
I'll give you all the answeres
That you thought were undefined.
We all end up in the ocean,
But we start out in the stream.
It all becomes so clearer
If you let your mind learn how to dream.
(chorus)

And of Wishful Thinking

The night sky is beautiful.

I am trying to teach you to see.

To see past the little white specs,

The analytical balls of carbon,

The natural components of a star.

Trying to teach you to look through that.

To look beyond.

An entire cosmosis is above us,

And we are tiny,

Momentary,

And yet,

Intreped.

Like the stars.

Even when one is gone,

We still see it.

For millions of years after.

And Im trying to teach you to fear.

To show me

That you fear.

You have seen my fear at it's height.

You have seen me cower from the lightning,

And run from the noises in the forest.

And I am not ashamed.

Nor will I ever think less of you,

Because you fear.

I only want to know you.

So, I close my eyes,

And of wishful thinking,

I drift off.

Genie in a Bottle

If a genie gave me three wishes, I think it would take me a long time to decide what to do with them. It may sound cliche, but I do think world peace is a good thing to wish for. I mean, think of it this way. If the entire world is at peace, then, alot of our problems would be gone, so wishing for world peace would be killing alot of bad birds with one stone. Secondly, I think I would wish for sucess for all my friends and family. For all of them to be happy, and loved, and have everything theyu ever dreamed of. Because, that would make me happy too. And then, the last one. Walking music. That is all I want. I have everything else I need. Now, all I want is the La's to follow me around, or Ash, or Sam Phillips, some peppy, walking music. It doesn't even matter what. Add a little bounce to my step. Oh, maybe the troubador from Gilmore Girls...

From the oceans eye

She watches them all summer.
They came at the first of the season.
In seperate cars,
From different places.
She watched them meet.
That warm day, when he caught her gaze on her shoreline,
And worked up the courage to go and talk to her.
She smiled playfully,
As he commented on the perfectly placed lines on her sketch pad.
The next day,
The two of them arrived together.
They ran into her cool waters,
Splashing around.
In the throughs of fresh love.
The highst point of the summer season.
Nights they spent,
Sitting on her warm sand,
Tangled around each other.
Feeling every heartbeat.
Jumping at every touch.
They danced to the music
Created by her waves
Breaking at their ankles.
The stars shined
As a spotlight
At the only thing either of them had noticed all summer.
Each other.
But then, the sky became gray.
Autumn was on its way.
August was bringing a glow of red and orange
To everything it touched.
The heat was dying,
And the breeze got colder.
It was time to say goodbye.
And the two became inarticulate
To express.
The words would not come.
Tears replaced them,
Falling from her delicate eyes.
His fingers whiped them away.
They fell back on the sand,
Inhaling,
in one big breath,
Every bit of texture that summer had to offer.
Every last sound,
smell,
touch,
and tingle.
And reluctantly,
They went.
Pulled away by the changing season,
And the persistant bickering of time itself.
Never to meet again.
And she watched them go,
Off inseperate directions.
She felt their sorrow from her depths.
The darkness within her endless waters
Churned like the pit of their stomaches,
And she will never forget the show.

Sunday Afternoons

"You can't call a guy beautiful."
He states with a laugh, after he called me just that,
And I tried to return the gesture.
"Sexy is okay. Ruggedly handsom is better."
I roll my eyes and smile,
And let my head fall to his chest.
He smells like summer.
All the time.
My eyes close,
(he is always telling me to sleep more)
And I can hear his heart beat.
It seems fast.
I can feel it on the side of my face,
Pounding like a metronome inside of him.
It makes me sleepy.
It puts me in a daze,
Where nothing is clear.
Colors and sounds are muffled.
His hand runs through my hair,
And I drift off.
When I wake up, he is still there,
Holding me
Like I could slip away at any moment,
And he doesn't want to risk it.
I open my lazy eyes,
And nothing has changed.
His heart still beats furiously.
And he still smiles.

Things My Grandmother Taught Me

*Life has a lovliness to offer. You just have to look in unexpected places. And unexpected people.
*Sometimes, the most important part of a song is the silence between the words.
*You don't have to actually know how to play the guitar, just as long as you hold it with some
integrity. "Like Elvis".
*It doesn't matter that it is being sung in a language that you don't understand, as long as it
sounds like they mean it.
*Courage isn't always this bold, daring force. Sometimes it's having the guts to try again.
*Nothing you do to a potatoe can make it taste bad.
*You are never too old to have "Hop on Pop" read to you.
*It is okay to need someone with a strength you didn't know you had.
*It's ok to cry when you're sad, and get angry when you're angry.
*In the end, it all works out. (trust me. its true)
*"If you don't like the way things are being handled, get off your ass, and change them!"
*Understanding doesn't come with age. It comes with experience. And just because you are
young, does not give them the right to tell you you don't understand.
*River-dancing is a great sollution to every problem.
*There is nothing more beautiful then smiling Irish eyes.
*A sence of style is TOTALLY relative.
*Dreaming is NOT, under ANY surcumstance, a waste of time.
*Anything can be done, as long as you believe it can.
*You can't actually fly holding an umberella, and jumping out of a window.
*"You've gotta sing, Ashleigh. That's the only way the rest of 'em will ever understand you."
*"You've got to get on a plane atleast twice in your life. Once for the ride to Greace, where you
plan on spending the rest of your life, and one for the ride home, when the Agean Sea rises
alittle too high for you to handle on your own."
*It is ok to be a girl, even if they don't expect it.
*Spaghetti could possibly be a cure for cancer.
*Never doubt the powers of fudge in a strong freezer.
*Accidentally ordering something in Spanish, at a McDonalds restarunt, may seem humiliating
at the time, but makes for amazing conversation starters later.
*Never doubt that little voice inside of you, when it sounds like your grandmother saying, "Go
for it, kiddo."
*Sometimes, you just need to cross that seemingly huge distance between the beach, and the
waterline, and put your feet in the waves. Even if the water is really cold. And the waves are
really high. (oh, the meanings to that one)
*And the big one: It is okay to be afraid. Fear is not something to be ashamed of. It is something
to be respected, and admired. And it is okay to admit when you are afraid. It is okay to fall into
loving arms, and hide there until you feel safe again. You can close your eyes, if you don't want
to have to stare your fears down. But don't keep them closed for long. Because then you miss
things. Important things. Like all the little signs the universe hands you, trying to tell you that
everything WILL BE OKAY. That forever may seem so real. But really, nothing is forever. No
one is with you forever, but no-one is lost, or gone forever either. Love is not a waste of time,
because if it is real, it will never leave you. No matter how long the miles might stretch, or how
many the years might add up. It will always be there, living in the place that kindled it in it's
youth. Your heart. And you know what's really funny? She wasn't even here when she taught
me that one.
ACE 4/14/2008

He says life is a waste of time.
Basically, take the lesser of two evils.
And yet, somehow, he thinks the world of me.
So, I have made it my goal to change his view.
Tonight, we stretched out on the grass,
His head against mine,
Gazing wonderingly up at the stars.
I told him the story of Andromeda.
How she was chained,
Bound to a rock,
In punishment for a crime she didn't commit.
She only had a few moments left.
Jus a second or two,
Before Cracken would come, and devour her.
But,
Like a breath of air in a consuming fire,
Perseus flew in on his white horse,
To rescue her.
Then, they fell in love.
Those last words lingered in the silence,
Like the smell of something burning.
The darkness of night fell around us like a blanket,
And emotion ran like thick through our blood.
I heard him sigh, and felt his fingers through my hair.
I knew his eyes were closed.
Without looking at him.
So I closed mine too,
And let the light of the stars linger behind my eye-lids.
There was nothing to be said.
So, the stars talked for us.
Periods, comma's, exclamation points,
An entire galaxy of shooting stars and dancing lights
For words we couldn't say.
When we see a star, it isn't really there.
It's the speed of light.
It takes it a long time to reach us.
By the time it does, the stars have burned out.
They're just that bright.
Thousands of years after they die,
We can see them,
And we call them young.
That is how we will be.

A Few Little Known Facts About Ace. Little Miss Sunshine has returned!

*I can't sleep on my right side.
*I am terrified of Jello. Just typing it makes me nervous.
*I have a fire escape ladder.
*I am best friends with a turtle.
*I once swam with a shark.
*All I need to be happy is a guitar, some paper, and a pen.
*I have only been in love once. (this was a new discovery, but totally true.)
*Yes, I am still with the guy ONLY guy I ever loved.
*Writing is my only vice.
*Singing is the only thing that keeps me from twitching.
*Kyle makes me twitch alot.
*I took ballait for the longest 2 weeks of my life. (shhh its a secret)
*I carry a rosary around in my pocket.
*I will find Atlantis. (actually, I already have)
*I will live in a VW Bus.
And thats all I can think of at the moment. :) <3

Summer is coming.
I can feel it.
Even in the depth of winter, I can feel it.
Getting closer and closer.
I wait on the edge of my seat,
Waiting to change.
Like a butterfly, I will
Immerge from my cacoon,
Spread my vibrant, young wings,
And fly.
I will become invinsible.
I will become amazing.
Laughter will be the music
I dance to daily.
The ocean breeze,
And crash of the summer swell
Will be my lulluby,
And I will lie next to you,
Wrapped in your arms,
and a blanket of sand and stars.
The Harbour lights speckle the distance,
And I will hum our song,
Into the expansive nothingness,
Where ocean and sky blend together.
Where you cant decide where one ends,
And the other begins.
And you actually start to believe that they are one in the same.

Here's an Idea

If I can't make you happy, then go away. Don't let me get attached. Don't tell me you love me. Don't hold me, and sing to me, and follow me. Let me let you go. Don't destroy the already shattered, glued, and duct-taped pieces of my tattered heart. Don't tell me never to leave you, when you can't be sure you'll stay. Because I will keep my promises. Even when you are gone, and I am nothing but a dusty, faded memory, and a wrinkled love song scribbled on notebook paper to you, I will still be in love with you. When I say forever, I mean forever. The earth could dry up, the sun could swallow the moon, heaven and hell could sign a peace treaty, a butterfly could cause catastrophic storms, and create chaos, Armegeddon could come and fly us away, vampires could take over the earth, and 2012 could destroy us all, and I will still love you. I will still say, "You are the one I love." You could take my heart out of my chest, drop it on the ground, and stomp on it. I will pick it up, dust it off, and hand it right back to you. You own it. Don't make me regret you. Don't make me regret the best thing that has ever happened to me. All I want is for you to love me. Honestly, and truely. And to know me. The way I want desperately to know you. I am not giving up. No way. I am here for the duration. Just promise me one more time, that you are the same.

My First Forever.

I smile.
I smile and laugh,
and say, "Everything's great."
And I convince you.
Sometimes,
I almost convince myself.
Inside,
I am screaming.
Crying.
Violently shaking, searching for answeres.
All I see is darkness.
Darkness and void
where there once was light and protection.
Coldness and rejection
Where there once was warmth and love.
You don't look through me.
But if you tried,
Tried to look past the shell I have created,
You would see it in my eyes.
I am afraid.
Gripped with a consuming fear
That constricts like a snake,
And consumes like fire.
It drowns like the rush of water
Pouring over, and crushing me under it's weight.
Regrets?
Yeah, I have a few.
Things I shouldn't have done.
Things I should have done.
The day you left me,
I didn't understand.
Didn't understand how you could.
You must've known that you were my rock.
What held me to the ground.
And I was scared.
Scared to let you go.
Afraid to be left standing alone.
Afraid of my lack of strength.
Time goes like sand through an hour glass.
I can't return.
Can't go back and see you again.
Ever.
This is my first forever.
I now know what forever feels like.
I will NEVER see you again.
And I didn't even say goodbye.
I love you.
I am sorry.
So sorry.
I only hope you understand.
I need you to understand.
I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you for tyhe hope you gave me.
And continue to remind me of.
Every day I see you.
Every night, I dream you.
I will keep you alive.-

(sorry. not particularly happy right now. ill bring the sun back later.)

Missing You

You wonder how I'm doing
since you went away.
They all say I'm healing,
But not too much has changed.
Sometimes days are better
Sometimes days are worse.
My heart is weak and heavy,
And I can't say how it hurts.

I walk the empty hallways
And hear your voice in song.
And sometimes in my absent mind,
I softly sing along.
You said there's nothing more amazing
Then Irish eyes that smile.
But my eyes are grey and clouded,
They've been lonely for a while.

Spring has finally whispered
Its warm breath at my door.
I invited it to stay,
But if it heeded, I'm not sure.
The grass is green, and flowers bloom,
But somehow, here inside,
There's still a fighting winter wind
I have tried so hard to hide.

Missing you gets longer.
How I miss your gentle touch.
And I don't think I could have said
"I love you" near enough.
I hope to heaven you are happy.
And I hope that you can't see,
Every time you look down here,
The mess that's left of me.

All The Things She Never Knew She'd Always Wanted.

She never wanted to be owned,
'Til he said she was his.
She never thought she'd feel protected,
'Till he showed her what "safe" really is.
She never thought she could be found,
Until he took her hand.
She never wanted company,
'Til he said he was her biggest fan.
She never thought about the future
'Til he said "You're all that I can see."
She never wanted to be loved
'Til he was you, and she was me.-
ASH- 2008

My Folk Song

I don’t know where I’m going
But I hope you’ll tag along
We could ride along the wind
And sing this worn out song.
The stars above will guide us
And my love will keep you warm
With everything inside of me
I’ll shield you from this storm.
Oh I know that you deserve much more
And all I have is me
Got nothing more to offer you
No life of luxury.
But not a single soul on earth
Could love you more than I.
More then every speck of white
That sparkles in the sky.
I love you like the light of blue
Tossed in the ocean waves
The way they need the golden sand
To keep it in it’s place.
And I will softly listen as
You tell me of your dreams.
If you will only listen as
I hum this melody that tells about
The greatest love
That ever there could be
A love that flows like blood
Through you and me.
And every night when darkness falls
I’ll be right by your side
Till through the white lace curtains
Morning bathes us in sunlight.
And forever and after
My tame less heart will fall
Back into your loving arms
Every time you call
So if you think I’m getting wrestles
And I won’t be ‘round for long
Just listen to my voice singing our song.
And hold me in your arms and sing along.

And So It Goes (the best, saddest, truest love song ever)

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along.

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense.
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense.
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns.
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose.
But if my silence-
Made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake.
So I will share
This room with you
And you can have this heart to break.

hm____ ____hm___ hm__

So I would chose
To be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make
Decisions too
And you can have this heart to break.

So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break.
My love- Billy Joel.

WYMLY Exscript

Austin sat down on the grass, and pulled Lena down with him. “I thought you’d like it.” he said, as she fell back into his arms. Lena turned to look in his eyes, and smiled. “It’s beautiful.” she repeated.
“You’re beautiful.” replied Austin, before he pulled her closer to him, and kissed her. “I love you.” he whispered.
“I love you too.” answered Lena. He kissed her again, and a cool breeze blew through the treetops, and pushed them back on the grass. This wasn’t new for them. They had said I love you before. But this time, Lena felt something different. Something in his kiss that she had never felt before. Maybe it was in the way he supported her lower back with his hand, or the way he ran his fingers through her hair, but something was different. It sent a shock right through her, and in that moment, she wanted nothing more then to be as close as humanly possible to him. Suddenly, before she had time to think, or react, she was lying flat on her back, with Austin above her. She couldn’t follow where his hands were going. Slowly, they explored every dip and curve on her body, as they moved from her hair, to her neck, to her stomach. “Don’t be afraid.” he whispered, convincingly, obviously sensing her uneasiness. “I’ll keep you safe. Trust me.” And for a moment, she did. His fingers fumbled with the zipper on the back of her dress. His skin was warm against hers, but still sent a tingle radiating down her spine. All she knew was that, whatever was happening, or about to happen, she wanted. So, she let it happen.

You Are My ATLANTIS!!!

BuTteRflY efFeCt
2010...
Alone in my living room, and my house is way too quiet. My mind begins to drift off again. Suddenly, I am sitting beneath a big, purple oak tree, in an open field. The sky above me is green, and the grass below me is blue. I am playing my guitar; or someone else’s guitar. It’s yellow and green, and the body is shaped like a butterfly. I am singing, and having a grand old time, when suddenly, the sky turns black, and the air becomes heavy. I am being crushed under the weight of it all, but I can’t scream, or move. Everything starts to spin, and colors blend in with sounds. Spinning out of control, it doesn’t stop ‘till all of a sudden, I yank my self out of it, and try to reassemble the components of reality.
I need to do something, so I stand up, and walk to my stereo. I run my index finger down the stack until something catches my eye. It is the second to last CD in the stack, higher then nothing but an old CCR disk that I listened to like once. I pull it out, blow on the front cover, and as the dust flies away, the picture of three girls is revealed.
In that moment, I am blasted back to a scene from nearly five years ago, and as I press play, it all comes back. I can smell the smoke from the pyrotechnics on the stage, and I can feel the base pulsing inside of me like a heartbeat. The light is shocking and warm, and the music flows through me like blood through my veins. I am staring out into the eyes of twelve-hundred some people, and I see Bentley sitting on the front row, looking proud. I glance behind me, and see Capri, playing the drums with wild intensity, and Cass. Cass held her guitar close to her body, and with it, she lit the stage on fire. I remember the way her manic eyes met mine, only for a second, and she smiled. Then she went back to emptying her soul.
Those were the days. Nothing could stop us. We had each other, and the world was dangling loosely at our fingertips.

My Dream

My Dream- We; the two of us; are squished into the same hammock, stretched between two palm trees, hand in hand, talking about music, as the ocean roars in the background, and the fading light of day creates a backdrop that would rival that of a Paramount movie. My two best friends in the world are stretched out on the beach, martini's in hand, singing in rhythm with the waves. Laughter of little children, and their footprints in the sand engulf us. Love is so thick, it is almost tangible. Love for friends, love for family, and love for each other. Love for the life we have created. And we would fall asleep in that hammock. A little girls fingers threaded through ours now. Wrapped tightly in a blanket of stars. The ocean still singing in the silence. And the ligts of the city, off in the distance. And we would stay in those moments forever.

Waiting For The Rain To Stop

The rain is falling,
dripping

drizzeling

dancing on my window pane
The sky is grey and dreary
And your face is all I see
Your silence once amazed me
It was the thing that first made me love you
Now, it worries me.
The way you look right through my eyes.
The same eyes that you once dreamed into,
Like they were the fountain of youth.
Like they could save you from the darkness
You try so hard to hide.
I try to open my heart to you.
To pour it out.
I would give you my world
If you only let me.
But every time I try, you pull away.
You shutter, like I am dangerous.
Irony of ironies.
I am the fearful one.
I am the one who is supposed to run and hide.
The world expects me to turn away.
To detach myself from you,
and everything you are.
But I am here, ceaselessly. Without end.
Nothing could make me leave you.
It's too late now.
Remember the words I spoke to you
When you first decided you loved me.
I whispered a promise to you.
A promise I will always keep, if you only hold up your end.
Remember what you promised me.
I have faith in you.
I understand that there are things you can't yet say.
I have things my voice won't let me speak just yet.
But if you asked, I would tell you the longest story.
Everything about me.
If you only wanted to know.
The way I want to know.
The way I want you to know.
The rain falls slowly,
Slowly, inching grey over the edges of this canvas.
But I have seen the rain before.
I know how this story ends.
The most captivating thing about the rain is how it
falls.
And then, when the sky opens up,
The radiant sun spreads its crimson fingers across the mountains,
and the ocean,
and the plain,
And renews it.
Changes it.
Makes it whole.
Nourishes it.
That is what we will be.
So, I will sit here,
watching the grey sink in,
watching the drizzle,
and listening to the rhythmic thumping on my windowpane,
Patiently waiting.
Waiting for the day that you decide you can trust me.
Waiting for the day that you decide I am worth it.
Because you will.
Trust me,
You will.

My Problem

Ok, so, i am thinking about what to name this child, (Lena's child) because I really HATE the name Nataile. It just sounds so old, and I dont kno what inspired me to call her that in the first place! I am changing it!!! It has to go. So, here are my suggestions (in my personal order of preference) Mercy, Lilia, Leah, and... Sam. I kno, Sam sucks. Ok, so im open to suggestion. Plus, any other names you may find worthy.

Excript from WTMLY

And all of a sudden, out of no where, there she was, covered in... whatever that was, crying, and kicking through her first few breaths of air. The doctor looked up, and smiled. Lena let go of a deep breath, once she saw that the doctor seemed pleased with the outcome.
"You have a beautiful baby girl." he stated, holding the squirming, slippery infant in the air.
"Is she okay?" asked Lena, out of breath.
"Oh yeah." replied the doctor. "She's perfect."
Lena threw her head back on the pillow, while the doctor moved toward her, and placed the baby, now wrapped in a blanket, in her arms. At that moment, nothing else in the world mattered. All Lena could see was that child, and how incredibly beautiful she was. She had deep blue eyes, and what little hair she had was light, sandy blonde. As her eyes focused on Lena's, Lena was captivated. Stunned. Tears fell from her eyes (ok, hold on)

Goodnight, Love.

You stand,
Silent in the corner
Looking sharply at me through your glassy eyes
And I can do nothing but smile.
You speak-
Only one word-
And I cannot speak.
All I do is stutter.
Your hand touches mine,
Ever so slightly,
And my heart jumps.
I want nothing more then to be next to you.
Just to sit there and...
Watch you smile.
Let you take my breath away.
Let you have this heart to melt.
If you only knew,
Knew how much you deserve,
You could be flying right now.
You could be with someone who
Had a plan.
Who could promise you things.
Who wasn't labled with this wreckless abandon.
But instead,
You're sitting here
Next to ME.
God only knows why.
God only knows how.
But I thank Him every chance I get.
I thank him for you.
For everything that you are.
And more importantly,
Everything that you're not.
Goodnight, Love.

I'll Be Free (working title)

(verse 1)
She's just eighteen
There's no reasoning
So she's gonna do what she can.
She left her home
Went out on her own
Started singing lead for some
Traveling band
Now she's sleepin' in tour busses
Playin' guitar
Spendin' her nights
Under neon stars
There isn't a place
Too long or too far
That's the life
Every night she cries
(chorus)
I'll be free
I promise you someday
I'll keep moving if that
Is the price to pay
Tomorrow's uncertain
Don't know where I'll be
But I can promise you
I'll be free
(verse 2)
The music plays
As she takes the stage
And the melody fills up her soul
She's flooded now
So she pours it out
And for just a moment it makes her whole
But when the lights go out
And the crowd dies down
She prays for someone
To come around
She sits like a vapor
Without a sound
But inside
Her spirit cries:
(repeat chorus) Still workin on it, guys!!! :)

Ode to Vinneys Cheesesteak

Oh beautiful cheesesteak
So greasy and warm
You're the one that I turn to
In the nidst of the storm
Your life-changing auroma
Is sent from above
Oh beautiful cheesesteak
You're the one that I love.

New York Stranger

The cab door closes, and the sounds are muffled.
Still audible, but saturated.
Colors blend together,
As Manhattan spins around me.
People pass by, their eyes seldom meet mine,
But inside them, I can see it.
The wonder.
The confusion.
The questions.
The pain.
And I am reminded,
"Not all who wander are lost."
I am not lost, as I wander through the crowded streets,
as I chase my pipe dreams through darkened corridors,
Under broken bridges,
Rummaging through piles of debris,
Only to hold on a moment longer.
And yet, in their eyes,
They look lost.
I want to tell them that I can find them.
That they don't have to live alone
In this never-ending city of dreams.
Instead, The cab door closes,
And the sound sinks away.

Hi!!!!!

This is my spot. Dont touch.