My First Forever.

I smile.
I smile and laugh,
and say, "Everything's great."
And I convince you.
Sometimes,
I almost convince myself.
Inside,
I am screaming.
Crying.
Violently shaking, searching for answeres.
All I see is darkness.
Darkness and void
where there once was light and protection.
Coldness and rejection
Where there once was warmth and love.
You don't look through me.
But if you tried,
Tried to look past the shell I have created,
You would see it in my eyes.
I am afraid.
Gripped with a consuming fear
That constricts like a snake,
And consumes like fire.
It drowns like the rush of water
Pouring over, and crushing me under it's weight.
Regrets?
Yeah, I have a few.
Things I shouldn't have done.
Things I should have done.
The day you left me,
I didn't understand.
Didn't understand how you could.
You must've known that you were my rock.
What held me to the ground.
And I was scared.
Scared to let you go.
Afraid to be left standing alone.
Afraid of my lack of strength.
Time goes like sand through an hour glass.
I can't return.
Can't go back and see you again.
Ever.
This is my first forever.
I now know what forever feels like.
I will NEVER see you again.
And I didn't even say goodbye.
I love you.
I am sorry.
So sorry.
I only hope you understand.
I need you to understand.
I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you for tyhe hope you gave me.
And continue to remind me of.
Every day I see you.
Every night, I dream you.
I will keep you alive.-

(sorry. not particularly happy right now. ill bring the sun back later.)