Come August

It just sneaks up on me.

Like most things do.

When I’m walking between our houses outside.

When it rains and I’m trying to sleep.

When I’m trying to sleep at all.

When I’m alone in the kitchen typing at the computer…

So often.

The thought creeps up.

You leaving.

And it shuts me down.

It should not be THIS hard to deal with.

But I love you.

And I’m sorry, but this is the way it is.

I cannot be happy for you.

I cannot be happy that you feel it necessary to go away to get what you need.

I will support you.

I will wait for you right here until you get back.

I will wish you all the luck in the world.

But I cannot be happy.

The one thing I have left,

The one that means the most,

Is leaving me.

And that weighs on my heart.

It feels like it’s sinking.

All the time.

I don’t want to be here alone.

But I will be.

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that reality.

But that scares me.

Terrifies me beyond reason.

So if you think I’m crazy,

or an emotional roler-coaster,

I’m sorry.

I am those things.

But you are going to have to help me get over your going away.

I swear to God. I am really getting tired of being disappointed.

Some Pet Peeves of Mine

"Sry" is not a word. It certainly isn't an apology. If you don't have the time or feel it necessary to write two more letters, your apology cannot possibly be sincere. It is necessary.

I hate half-truths. They are impossible. If you are lying by omission, you are still lying. Don't do that.

You cannot have a relationship with someone through texting, e-mail, or facebook. If you want to talk to me, call me. Come by and see me. Either one is great. Texting and e-mail are absolutely fine for short conversations, spreading necessary info, making simple plans, or when you are in a hurry. Not for long, detailed stories or conversations, or anything that requires specifications or tone of voice to be understood. And I hate texting over long periods of time.

If you are going to drive a car, please know how to drive a car. When the light turns green, go.

Smalltalk drives me crazy. It's awkward and unnecessary. I don't even really know how to do it. Cut to the chase. I'd much rather have a real conversation.

Some words really bother me. Such as, "anywho", "all well", (it's oh well, everyone. OH well.) , "fail", "woot" (what is that?), "doodle" (or anything cutesy that ends in 'le'), "spoon", (or anything with the double 'o', though I do understand that sometimes those are unavoidable). there's more, I just can't think of them right now. I'll get back to you.

If you cannot get through a sentence without using the word "like" at least twice when it isn't actually necessary, that drives me crazy. Replace the word "like" with something like "poop" or "bitch" or "booger" and I promise you, you will break the habit. (Note, the usage of the word "like" in the above sentence is proper and acceptable. Now that's not to say that the word "like" could not have been replaced with the words "such as" or "along the lines of", but they're wordy and I wanted the example.)

Do NOT add the "a" sound to the ends of words. Example: "Whatever-a!" little kids, particularly girls, do it all the time. I have no idea why. I do know I hate it.

It really bothers me when the toilet paper on the roll is behind the roll, not in front of it... I correct this all the time because my mother feels just the opposite. (hahaha....)

Closed shower curtains freak me out. Leave it open when you are done. Me and my psychosis thank you.

Boys, if you pee on the seat- actually just don't pee on the seat. If you can't aim, sit down.

Don't text while an adult is talking to you. (My brother does this all the time and it drives me crazy) It's just disrespectful. I see kids do it all the time. It's one thing to do it while your friends are talking to you but... Come on.

More to come.

Of course I wasn't going to ask you to stay.
I wanted you to do what you wanted.
Now, I was really hoping that what you wanted was to stay here with me.
But apparently it wasn't and while that hurts a little, I want you to do what you want too.
At the time, of course, I thought you would be doing things in Florida that you can't do here.
If I had known that all you were going to do was watch movies, go bowling and play boardgames with your friends grandmother, I may have asked you to stay.
Maybe that's why I feel so angry.
You felt you had to drive fourteen hours away to do that stupid stuff.
And then, because you have done nothing, you have nothing to tell me at the end of the day.
So we sit there on the phone in silence.
Of course I have nothing to say.
I spent my week here with no one.
I'm not going to have any great stories.
I was hoping you would.
Everyone I know has disappointed me this week.
Including myself.
So everyone needs to get over the fact that I'm not bubbling with joy and energy.
I'm lonely, bored and tired and what was supposed to be a fun break from school, (and coincidentally work, which I thought was the timing of God) turned out to be a miserable waste.

Spring Break...

It's rained every day.
Everything outside is a dripping shade of gray.
My eyes have faded into that cool, liquidy blur that they become when the weather is like this.
When I feel like this.
I'm lonely.
My house is empty most of the day.
I would leave.
I hate the silence.
But there is no where to go.
No one to go with, anyway.
And I was never good at being alone.
So instead I sit in my kitchen and watch the rain fall.
I turn the radio on to drown out the quiet.
It sometimes makes me feel happier.
A few times this week, I've thought of just leaving.
Getting in my car and driving to some unplanned destination.
Once, I made it to the car and out of the neighborhood.
Then I turned around because the thought of driving off on an adventure alone makes my heart heavy.
I've called people but no one is around.
So, I've spent most of this week feeling incredibly sad.
But when I haven't been sad, I've been raging mad.
I've thrown things, cursed the silence.
Because I feel rejected.
My friends have gone off to college.
My boyfriend left to get away from me for the week.
No one has time to hang out with me, even knowing that I am desperate for company.
And when that doesn't make me cry,
It makes me mad.
When this week ends, life will go back to normal.
I'll have to go to school.
My day job will return.
The mundane will be back to keep me company.
I will be locked into a schedule that doesn't allow for vacation time or silliness.
Great.
But I need to get away.
Or to feel like everyone isn't trying to get away from me.
And when this week ends,
I'll go back to being happy, I'm sure.
Or at least content.
But I won't forget this feeling.

Is anything else Bothering me?

No.
Well. Maybe.
I am nineteen years old.\
My body is forever failing me.
I can't turn my head on some days without pain radiating down my spine.
I have a headache that never goes away, caused by a twitch I can't control.
Pressure builds up behind my eyes on some days and it hurts to fully open them, or be in a bright room or outside.
I feel weak to stand at random moments throughout the day,
I am prone to dizziness and vertigo and have no equilibrium.
I can't focus on anything in school for more than fifteen minutes and I am so easily distracted that I can space out for forty minutes and be so deep down inside my own consciousness that I have to find my way back to reality.
And reality.
Reality is just great.
My reality is as follows.
I have no idea where I am going in life.
I sit in classrooms all day because people keep telling me it is important but I have no idea why.
I see everyone coming up with these terrific plans for their futures and I am just silent.
I don't know.
Not even an inkling.
People think I'm not trying.
And that infuriates me.
They don't know how HARD I have tried.
I have taken tests,
Studied books,
Looked at list after list of careers.
Nothing.
My mother has been depressed for three years now.
Not diagnosed, but if she would go to a doctor, she would be.
It is killing her.
And I suppose the rest of us, much slower.
She and my father are constantly fighting.
Right now, to be specific, they are fighting big time.
He does nothing to help or care or see what is going on.
He has more compassion for strangers than for his own family.
That's what she says.
And I guess sometimes it's true.
He damn near hates my brother.
That causes more problems than you could ever understand.
I am the mediator.
I tell my dad to shut up and learn how to deal with his son. That they could get along if they tried. That he is a jerk to him for no reason and that is why John has so much resentment towards him.
Then I go tell John that dad loves him.
That he only wants what is best for him and he doesn't know how to deal.
The worst part is I don't even know anymore which one I am lying too.
Then there's my grandfather, who my mother is not speaking too.
Sinking her further down into her depression.
He used to love to see us.
As specially me.
We were two peas in a pod.
When my grandmother died, he rejected all of us.
Now, I worry constantly that something is going to happen to him and my mother's last memory of him will be the fight they had.
That will literally kill her.
Then there is my grandmother.
Praying every day that the thing on her face is not cancer.
She will never know. She'll die before she goes to a doctor.
And if something happens to her, my brother will go off the deep end.
I have the job of maintaining the delicate balance of his emotions.
I didn't chose the job, it fell on me as the only one able to handle it.
We know full well that all it takes is one little straw on his back to set him raging.
We know how far he can go.
That, too, would kill my mother.
And my father, who would be forever stricken with regret, knowing it was his fault.
That's my family.
My friends?
I have none.
All gone.
And right now I don't even have a phone to call them on.
They have moved on with their lives and shiny futures and I still miss them deeply.
But in case you didn't notice, I have a lot of other people to worry about.
All the time.
Twenty-four seven.
I work a round the clock job.
I have to keep this family afloat.
What I need is for someone to worry about me.
I don't have time.
Sometimes I think I have that person in you.
Other times I don't.
And when you go away, it will all fall apart.
I promise you.
Long distance would never work for us because I have to beg information from you when I'm standing right in front of you.
When it comes down to the final blow,
You will have to decide which is more important: your education at a far away school,
Or me.
I worry very much about which end of the stick I will be on.
You are my world.
My rock.
You know that.
But you don't need me the way I need you.
And I wont hold you back.
So at night,
I toss and turn with fear,
Because my mind gets away from me.
I can't harness it.
I cannot control my thoughts.
The images that flash in my head are worse than any you have ever seen in a slasher film.
The thoughts that cross through are even worse.
Horrible things happening to the people I love most.
And I can't stop it.
Can you imagine that?
I lose my breath,
My heart pounds,
I sweat and freeze and hide under the covers and pray that it stops.
That's my only relief.
Prayer.
So while I am busy trying to keep everyone else in tact,
I sometimes fall apart.
It is what's to be expected.
You can't be everything.
So yea.
I guess you could say that there are some things bothering me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPBzTxZQG5Q

<3

Sometimes I don't know why the hell I even bother. You will never know how to talk to me.

Maybe to you he isn't anything special.
Maybe he doesn't play some big masculine sport,
Or drive a fancy car.
He doesn't have a trust fund or come from a wealthy family.
Maybe his hair sometimes stands up on his head,
Or he gets a little dirty because he works hard.
Maybe his hobbies are a little unusual.
Maybe he isn't good enough for you because those are the things that you find important.
I don't care about those things.
This is what he does:
He is always there for me.
He is funny and compassionate.
He is my best friend, not just my boyfriend.
He makes plans and promises that he intends to keep.
He is honest.
He doesn't leave me hanging.
He is aware of my insecurities and tries to calm them.
He doesn't judge me.
He loves me.
These are the things that should matter.
Oh, and he's far more attractive than any guy you have ever chased around. :)

My Brothers Keeper

You are like a roller coaster.
Flying high one minute,
And then barreling toward the ground the next.
And it happens so fast.
I don't even know what triggers it.
I wonder if it is my fault.
Or the families.
But I can't think of anyone who doesn't love you.
And maybe I don't show it enough.
I don't know how to I guess.
But I do.
And you make me so scared.
So now I have decided that I need to do something.
I need to make sure that you don't hit the bottom again.
For you, yes,
But for my own sanity, and that of our mother.
You can't do this to everyone again.
You do it to me too,
But I have to be strong. Someone does.
It is a lot to take on, considering your history.
But I am going to try.
I will not let you fall off the radar.

The Truth

Actually, no. I am not okay.

I’m falling apart.

And I am terrified.

I m afraid that I might not make it without you.

That I won’t know what to do without you next to me.

I’m afraid that you won’t miss me like I will miss you.

That you will forget about us,

And the things we do,

And the way we live and dream.

I am afraid that you will leave like everyone else.

I am afraid to be alone.

You are all I have left.

And if you go away, there will be no one.

Don’t you understand that?

So, no.

I’m not okay at all.

I actually have to piece my heart back together every time you mention leaving.

Because just thinking about it,

About the way you dont seem to care at all

that we wont live next to each other anymore,

Hurts my heart.

I am clinging t what is left of my pride,

And doing all I can not to beg you to stay.

But You leaving wont just take away the man I’m in love with.

It will take away my best friend

Savannah

Watching the storms roll in over the marshlands
Sends a chill down my spine to the small of my back.
As the winds pick up,
And the grasses sway and hiss,
I feel powerless to stop it.
This is the rainy season.
When the blue in the sunny sky
can be ripped away in an instant,
Over-taken by harsh gray clouds and that heavy storm air.
All is silenced.
All is calm.
But only for a second.
With one loud crash it sounds as if the sky is a plate of glass,
Shattering above my head.
Shards fly everywhere, shrapnel in the form of piercing raindrops.
As they fall heavier and heavier,
And the landscape before me is blurred,
Lightning cracks the sky open,
Slices it right in two.
A sharp, jagged bolt of white light,
Answering to no one, conducting the cosmic event with every strike.
I am filed with passion.
Fury.
Desperation.
My nerve endings twitch with electric energy.
This is the wild.
This is nature.
This is power.
this is life.
This is God.

Georgia.

Tell me that you need me.
Tell me that you think about me all the time.
Tell me that you miss me madly and that no one makes you laugh like I do.
That you have found at least one thing a day that made you wish I was with you.
That where you are is lonely without me.
Tell me that you are having fun but would rather talk to me.
Tell me that you love me and are thinking about me all the time.
That trees make you think of me,
Rain makes you think of me,
The songs on the radio make you think of me,
The sunrise makes you think of me,
And That you see me in your dreams.
Maybe you think this is selfish,
But let me tell you; assure you; of one thing:
This is how I feel about you.
Every second of every day you are on my mind.
I cant focus on anything.
I've painted over my own fingers thinking about you.
Every time I have to walk back to my dorm with the Georgia rain pouring on my shoulders,
With the lightning streaking the dark sky and thunder crackling loudly in the distance.
with the lonely wind blowing through the spanish moss in the trees;
I miss you passionately.
To the point of tears.
But you can't tell because the rain disguises.
I've taken pictures to show you all the things you would love;
But it isn't the same.
Not like it would be if you were here.
I think I'm missing you a lot more than you are missing me.
And it breaks my heart.
Just tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you miss me.
Tell me; no, promise me;
That you need me.

Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday

“You have so much time, Jude.

“So much time to figure ut who you are and where you’re going.

“So much time to figure out what you want, and your future.”

That’s what they keep telling me.

Like time grows on trees.

But you know what?

They’re wrong.

Time is no renewable resource.

It is always running out,

Like oil, like trees.

We don’t have so much time.

Every second is one you will never get back.

I cannot believe I am eighteen.

I cannot believe my grandmother has been gone for three years.

I cannot believe I am about to graduate.

I cannot believe I’m not a kid anymore.

I cannot believe how long I have had my best friends.

I cannot believe that we have been together for a year.

Why?

Because it doesn’t feel like that long.

But it has been.

That’s the reality of time; it creeps up on you.

You never see it coming till it’s gone.

And it is precious.

And fleeting.

So, Cara mia,

Let’s not talk about today tomorrow.

Lets talk about tomorrow tomorrow.

Tomorrow and our futures.

Our shared futures.

Let’s make plans we’ll never live out.

Let’s make plans we will.

Lets do crazy things.

Lets stay out late and get up early.

Lets drive to the airport every Saturday morning at five a.m. and watch the sun come up, then let’s go to Waffle House. Then let’s go back to your room, and sleep for hours, and be awake to watch the sun go back down.

Lets laugh and smile and feel and experience all there is to experience.

Lets love like there IS no tomorrow.

Like every moment is our last.

And lets live with the passion and intensity that we talk about, that we dream about. That we have inside of us.

Lets set our world on fire.

Welcome Home.

You touch me and I instantly feel sleepy.

in the best way imaginable.

that sleepy, dreamy, warm feeling where your eyes are heavy and part of you really does not want to fall asleep just because of what you might miss.

All the slumber I missed during the week falls over me like a rush of cool water because I know I can close my eyes in your arms.

All the worries, all the stresses, all the chaos of this life dissolves.

It’s like some electrifying shock that radiates from your fingertips and soothes my manic mind.

When you’re gone, I’m lost.

It’s quite pathetic, actually.

I can’t remember what I did before you.

There must have been something in my life that kept me going the way you do but I do not remember what it was.

It must have been good though.

Because now, I’m a spaz when i’m alone.

I don’t even need you physically next to me.

I just like knowing that when I go to sleep at night,

You are safe and dreaming and about fifty yards away.

My only hope in those times is that maybe you’re thinking of me.

If so, I want for nothing.

I have all I will ever need in you, and I hope to be all you will ever need.

All you will ever want.

It’s drizzly nights like this one,

Where the air is still warm and heavy on my eyes,

and the moon is covered by a light layer of clouds,

that I feel so alive.

So in love.

That I want you here with me more than ever to drink in the sweet thickness of this radiant, beautiful life.

And that would not be if it weren’t for you.

All the years I wasted getting here.

I must have been crazy.

Either that, or I’m crazy now.

But you know what, cara mia?

That’s alright by me.