No.
Well. Maybe.
I am nineteen years old.\
My body is forever failing me.
I can't turn my head on some days without pain radiating down my spine.
I have a headache that never goes away, caused by a twitch I can't control.
Pressure builds up behind my eyes on some days and it hurts to fully open them, or be in a bright room or outside.
I feel weak to stand at random moments throughout the day,
I am prone to dizziness and vertigo and have no equilibrium.
I can't focus on anything in school for more than fifteen minutes and I am so easily distracted that I can space out for forty minutes and be so deep down inside my own consciousness that I have to find my way back to reality.
And reality.
Reality is just great.
My reality is as follows.
I have no idea where I am going in life.
I sit in classrooms all day because people keep telling me it is important but I have no idea why.
I see everyone coming up with these terrific plans for their futures and I am just silent.
I don't know.
Not even an inkling.
People think I'm not trying.
And that infuriates me.
They don't know how HARD I have tried.
I have taken tests,
Studied books,
Looked at list after list of careers.
Nothing.
My mother has been depressed for three years now.
Not diagnosed, but if she would go to a doctor, she would be.
It is killing her.
And I suppose the rest of us, much slower.
She and my father are constantly fighting.
Right now, to be specific, they are fighting big time.
He does nothing to help or care or see what is going on.
He has more compassion for strangers than for his own family.
That's what she says.
And I guess sometimes it's true.
He damn near hates my brother.
That causes more problems than you could ever understand.
I am the mediator.
I tell my dad to shut up and learn how to deal with his son. That they could get along if they tried. That he is a jerk to him for no reason and that is why John has so much resentment towards him.
Then I go tell John that dad loves him.
That he only wants what is best for him and he doesn't know how to deal.
The worst part is I don't even know anymore which one I am lying too.
Then there's my grandfather, who my mother is not speaking too.
Sinking her further down into her depression.
He used to love to see us.
As specially me.
We were two peas in a pod.
When my grandmother died, he rejected all of us.
Now, I worry constantly that something is going to happen to him and my mother's last memory of him will be the fight they had.
That will literally kill her.
Then there is my grandmother.
Praying every day that the thing on her face is not cancer.
She will never know. She'll die before she goes to a doctor.
And if something happens to her, my brother will go off the deep end.
I have the job of maintaining the delicate balance of his emotions.
I didn't chose the job, it fell on me as the only one able to handle it.
We know full well that all it takes is one little straw on his back to set him raging.
We know how far he can go.
That, too, would kill my mother.
And my father, who would be forever stricken with regret, knowing it was his fault.
That's my family.
My friends?
I have none.
All gone.
And right now I don't even have a phone to call them on.
They have moved on with their lives and shiny futures and I still miss them deeply.
But in case you didn't notice, I have a lot of other people to worry about.
All the time.
Twenty-four seven.
I work a round the clock job.
I have to keep this family afloat.
What I need is for someone to worry about me.
I don't have time.
Sometimes I think I have that person in you.
Other times I don't.
And when you go away, it will all fall apart.
I promise you.
Long distance would never work for us because I have to beg information from you when I'm standing right in front of you.
When it comes down to the final blow,
You will have to decide which is more important: your education at a far away school,
Or me.
I worry very much about which end of the stick I will be on.
You are my world.
My rock.
You know that.
But you don't need me the way I need you.
And I wont hold you back.
So at night,
I toss and turn with fear,
Because my mind gets away from me.
I can't harness it.
I cannot control my thoughts.
The images that flash in my head are worse than any you have ever seen in a slasher film.
The thoughts that cross through are even worse.
Horrible things happening to the people I love most.
And I can't stop it.
Can you imagine that?
I lose my breath,
My heart pounds,
I sweat and freeze and hide under the covers and pray that it stops.
That's my only relief.
Prayer.
So while I am busy trying to keep everyone else in tact,
I sometimes fall apart.
It is what's to be expected.
You can't be everything.
So yea.
I guess you could say that there are some things bothering me.
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