Desperate

Waiting. waiting. Waiting...... Sometimes, waiting is all I do. I wait for you to be a man. I wait for you to take responsibility for your actions. I wait for you to fulfill the promises you make. I wait for you to grow up. I wait for you to be passionate, alive. I wait for you to get your shit together and all the while, the tunnel seems to get longer. I am tired of being miserable. Tired of waiting. I want my creativity back. I want the color back in my words; in my hands. I want the weight lifted from my heart. I want the stress to melt away. It's only the begining of January, But from where I'm standing, it's been winter for a long time. I want summer back. I want the heat, the light, the energy. I need the electricity, the static in the air that comes with summer. The assurance that each day WILL be good, not only the hope that it may be. We hope for the future because we live in the past, And as a result, we get nothing out of the present. Nothing but dry, gray cold. I was not designed to live this way. Time is up.

Summer is coming. I can feel it hanging above my head like the lingering scent of something burning. Of time burning. The heat is heavy on my pale skin. Sun-starved and fragile, I turn my eyes to the horizon, grasping for light; warmth. I'm desperate. The cold has chilled my bones, Frozen my heart, and numbed my songless soul. I'm praying that the summer bring peace. I need solace, and to find it in something I trust. I trust this season. I have faith in it's restoring power. I have faith in the magic of a dip in the river, a nap in the field, A book in the garden, or a glass of sweet tea on the porch. I believe in the prospect of summer. That when you've nothing left to hold on too, The sun will grab you by the wrist and pull you forward, Saying, "Wake up, child. The new day is yours." It's that whispered encouragement on a gentle breeze, That I put my faith in. So let's not dwell in the fragility of the past any longer. A change in the present will never alter the past. The winter has gone and the fields are green once more, And ripe with the promise of a bountiful harvest. So, like a long kept secret, Fasten yourself to the turn of the season, And breathe deep the relief and hope Of the season of sun.

Pressure.

Do I look tired to you?
Have you noticed the ever increasing depth of the dark circles under my eyes?
How about the spacy, wavering look?
It's no fashion statement.
I've been sinking for so long.
Sometimes I feel like I could almost disappear.
No one would ever find me.
Do I want that?
No.
But I'm afraid I'll slip away.
Or rather float away like a detached balloon.
I need someone to tether me to earth.
Tie me to the dock.
I'm losing my grasp on reality and my hold on the physical world.
I need someone, anyone, to be here.
To hold me together.
Really, I just need someone to talk too.
But no one is reliable, dependable.
I need honesty, openness, sanctuary.
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.
I feel desperate and anxious and antsy.
My blood pressure and body temperature are constantly fluctuating.
I need release.
From somewhere.
I'd like it to be you.

Someday You and I

Someday, Cara Mia,
My beautiful Beloved,
My Hearts Desire,
Someday, you and I will put this all behind us.
Someday, we will be together.
We will laugh about these times,
The stupid things we did,
The trouble we went through.
And we will be proud of the fight.
Proud of every tear, every muscle we tore,
To keep our hearts together.
Someday, you and I will live in the same place,
In the same time,
In the same warm bed,
In the same soft room,
In the same beautiful house.
What a beautiful life is in store for us.
I dream of those days.
Waking up with you in summer.
Light beaming through lace curtains,
Falling over our skin,
Dancing on our eyelids,
Prompting us to greet the day.
Lazy days in August heat,
A dip in the river,
A spin on the dirt road,
A turn through the garden.
Reading on a porch swing,
Watching the sunset,
Only to crawl back into the comfort of our shared bed,
Intertwined in each others arms.
Stoking the fire in the winter,
Curled up on an old warn couch,
Watching old TV re-runs and movies,
I cannot go further,
I won't be able to stop myself from musing.
Oh how I long for those days to come.
Together, forever.
Not separated by distance or doubt.
Not racked with fear or loneliness.
Never to be lonely again.
Someday, you and I,
Oh what a beautiful life awaits us.

Honesty.

So much doubt, so much fear,
More than one person can handle.
I no longer feel safe.
Nothing in mhy world is steady.
Nothing is reliable. Dependable. Believable.
Shifting eyes,
Nervous hands,
Bouncing knees,
Vacant stares,
What am I looking for?
When will things make sense again?
When will I be able to hear a story and believe it?
When will my heart stop sinking?
I'm drowning in my insecurity.
I've never been overly confident, but I've been stable.
Once, that time, long ago.
I feel like there are shaddows all around me.
Trying to hide lies that will only make it worse.
But how could it get worse?
Everything I didn't want to happen has.
The worst has.
Lies that are needless and selfish,
That only hurt me.
Carelessness, distance.
Thats what these lies create.
Distance.
Distance like walls of steel five feet thick so that nothing travels through.
I can't hear, can't see, can't feel.
And even now,
As I write this,
You are teling me you are trying.
So so hard, you say.
Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on you.
But I haven't seen you try hard enough.
And the worst part is,
Even if you are telling me the truth,
I wont believe it.
So many questions unravel themselves like twine in my brain.
I wake up with loose ends,
I go to bed at night with more.
I dream about them.
The cycle repeats.
What is this place we have found ourselves in?

Nicholas,

When I am trying to go to sleep at night,
Or when I'm driving home from work alone in my car,
And the windows down and the radio is quiet,
Or when it's late, and I'm sitting at my computer,
These are the things I think about.
I think about how it's going to be.
How our lives will become separate.
The opposite of what I would hope for our lives to do as time went on.
I think about big things.
Like how will life be without you as my neighbor.
How strange will it be to see your house but know you are not in it.
Will I get used to not seeing your car in the driveway?
Sure. I think about those things.
Mostly, though, I think about the little things.
Who will sneak into your room and wake you up on weekday mornings?
Who will rub your calves when you've been working hard?
What will you do at night, by yourself, in your apartment,
In the time that we used to do little things together?
Who will you watch tv with?
Who will I do these things with?
How will we be able to play a spur the moment game of chess?
Or take an afternoon nap?
How can we decide, on a whim, to go drive around on dirt roads,
Or watch the sunset?
What if I want a hotdog,
And get half way to Sheetz and start crying because I miss you?
Crying like I'm crying now;
Hard and with no shame.
My heart is breaking.
And when you leave,
It will break.
I love you more than the air I breathe,
More than the life I sustain.
And I will give up for nothing.
Not time, not distance, not Heaven, not hell.
I will fight through it all to keep you.
But I won't lie.
I won't be okay until we are together again.
And you are not leaving in a few days,
To go back to school, life, whatever.
I can't stop thinking about those little things.
What if I just need someone to come over and hold my hand?
Give me a hug?
The only hand I want to hold is yours.
The only hand I've ever truly held is yours.
Losing you as my neighbor means more to me than it does to you.
Will you miss me, ache for me, the way I will for you?
Will you wish you had stayed, like I will?
Will you cry yourself to sleep at night, like I'm about to do, because you miss me so much your heart hurts?
Will you come back for me?
If I could beg you not to go, I would.
I can't.
It's not for my pride.
I've never been a prideful person, and Lord knows I've certainly been drained of it.
It's not for dignity.
You've seen me at my best and my worst.
It's not for fear.
The only thing I'm afraid of is how I will be without one half of me.
It's for you.
I want you to be happy.
Is that not what love is?
Wanting that one person to be happy even if it destroys you?
Well that;s what I want.
If going away will make you happy,
Whether it be now or in the future,
By all means, go.
But please,
For me who loves you like no other,
Please come back for me.
Please take care of me while you are gone.
Please go out of your way to show me that you are still here.
With me.
That I am still your girl and nothing,
not time, not distance, not Heaven, not hell,
Could ever change that.
I love you.
I love you now, I loved you then, and I will love you always.
Even if it means the end of me.
- The Girl Next Door

Come August

It just sneaks up on me.

Like most things do.

When I’m walking between our houses outside.

When it rains and I’m trying to sleep.

When I’m trying to sleep at all.

When I’m alone in the kitchen typing at the computer…

So often.

The thought creeps up.

You leaving.

And it shuts me down.

It should not be THIS hard to deal with.

But I love you.

And I’m sorry, but this is the way it is.

I cannot be happy for you.

I cannot be happy that you feel it necessary to go away to get what you need.

I will support you.

I will wait for you right here until you get back.

I will wish you all the luck in the world.

But I cannot be happy.

The one thing I have left,

The one that means the most,

Is leaving me.

And that weighs on my heart.

It feels like it’s sinking.

All the time.

I don’t want to be here alone.

But I will be.

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that reality.

But that scares me.

Terrifies me beyond reason.

So if you think I’m crazy,

or an emotional roler-coaster,

I’m sorry.

I am those things.

But you are going to have to help me get over your going away.

I swear to God. I am really getting tired of being disappointed.

Some Pet Peeves of Mine

"Sry" is not a word. It certainly isn't an apology. If you don't have the time or feel it necessary to write two more letters, your apology cannot possibly be sincere. It is necessary.

I hate half-truths. They are impossible. If you are lying by omission, you are still lying. Don't do that.

You cannot have a relationship with someone through texting, e-mail, or facebook. If you want to talk to me, call me. Come by and see me. Either one is great. Texting and e-mail are absolutely fine for short conversations, spreading necessary info, making simple plans, or when you are in a hurry. Not for long, detailed stories or conversations, or anything that requires specifications or tone of voice to be understood. And I hate texting over long periods of time.

If you are going to drive a car, please know how to drive a car. When the light turns green, go.

Smalltalk drives me crazy. It's awkward and unnecessary. I don't even really know how to do it. Cut to the chase. I'd much rather have a real conversation.

Some words really bother me. Such as, "anywho", "all well", (it's oh well, everyone. OH well.) , "fail", "woot" (what is that?), "doodle" (or anything cutesy that ends in 'le'), "spoon", (or anything with the double 'o', though I do understand that sometimes those are unavoidable). there's more, I just can't think of them right now. I'll get back to you.

If you cannot get through a sentence without using the word "like" at least twice when it isn't actually necessary, that drives me crazy. Replace the word "like" with something like "poop" or "bitch" or "booger" and I promise you, you will break the habit. (Note, the usage of the word "like" in the above sentence is proper and acceptable. Now that's not to say that the word "like" could not have been replaced with the words "such as" or "along the lines of", but they're wordy and I wanted the example.)

Do NOT add the "a" sound to the ends of words. Example: "Whatever-a!" little kids, particularly girls, do it all the time. I have no idea why. I do know I hate it.

It really bothers me when the toilet paper on the roll is behind the roll, not in front of it... I correct this all the time because my mother feels just the opposite. (hahaha....)

Closed shower curtains freak me out. Leave it open when you are done. Me and my psychosis thank you.

Boys, if you pee on the seat- actually just don't pee on the seat. If you can't aim, sit down.

Don't text while an adult is talking to you. (My brother does this all the time and it drives me crazy) It's just disrespectful. I see kids do it all the time. It's one thing to do it while your friends are talking to you but... Come on.

More to come.

Of course I wasn't going to ask you to stay.
I wanted you to do what you wanted.
Now, I was really hoping that what you wanted was to stay here with me.
But apparently it wasn't and while that hurts a little, I want you to do what you want too.
At the time, of course, I thought you would be doing things in Florida that you can't do here.
If I had known that all you were going to do was watch movies, go bowling and play boardgames with your friends grandmother, I may have asked you to stay.
Maybe that's why I feel so angry.
You felt you had to drive fourteen hours away to do that stupid stuff.
And then, because you have done nothing, you have nothing to tell me at the end of the day.
So we sit there on the phone in silence.
Of course I have nothing to say.
I spent my week here with no one.
I'm not going to have any great stories.
I was hoping you would.
Everyone I know has disappointed me this week.
Including myself.
So everyone needs to get over the fact that I'm not bubbling with joy and energy.
I'm lonely, bored and tired and what was supposed to be a fun break from school, (and coincidentally work, which I thought was the timing of God) turned out to be a miserable waste.

Spring Break...

It's rained every day.
Everything outside is a dripping shade of gray.
My eyes have faded into that cool, liquidy blur that they become when the weather is like this.
When I feel like this.
I'm lonely.
My house is empty most of the day.
I would leave.
I hate the silence.
But there is no where to go.
No one to go with, anyway.
And I was never good at being alone.
So instead I sit in my kitchen and watch the rain fall.
I turn the radio on to drown out the quiet.
It sometimes makes me feel happier.
A few times this week, I've thought of just leaving.
Getting in my car and driving to some unplanned destination.
Once, I made it to the car and out of the neighborhood.
Then I turned around because the thought of driving off on an adventure alone makes my heart heavy.
I've called people but no one is around.
So, I've spent most of this week feeling incredibly sad.
But when I haven't been sad, I've been raging mad.
I've thrown things, cursed the silence.
Because I feel rejected.
My friends have gone off to college.
My boyfriend left to get away from me for the week.
No one has time to hang out with me, even knowing that I am desperate for company.
And when that doesn't make me cry,
It makes me mad.
When this week ends, life will go back to normal.
I'll have to go to school.
My day job will return.
The mundane will be back to keep me company.
I will be locked into a schedule that doesn't allow for vacation time or silliness.
Great.
But I need to get away.
Or to feel like everyone isn't trying to get away from me.
And when this week ends,
I'll go back to being happy, I'm sure.
Or at least content.
But I won't forget this feeling.

Is anything else Bothering me?

No.
Well. Maybe.
I am nineteen years old.\
My body is forever failing me.
I can't turn my head on some days without pain radiating down my spine.
I have a headache that never goes away, caused by a twitch I can't control.
Pressure builds up behind my eyes on some days and it hurts to fully open them, or be in a bright room or outside.
I feel weak to stand at random moments throughout the day,
I am prone to dizziness and vertigo and have no equilibrium.
I can't focus on anything in school for more than fifteen minutes and I am so easily distracted that I can space out for forty minutes and be so deep down inside my own consciousness that I have to find my way back to reality.
And reality.
Reality is just great.
My reality is as follows.
I have no idea where I am going in life.
I sit in classrooms all day because people keep telling me it is important but I have no idea why.
I see everyone coming up with these terrific plans for their futures and I am just silent.
I don't know.
Not even an inkling.
People think I'm not trying.
And that infuriates me.
They don't know how HARD I have tried.
I have taken tests,
Studied books,
Looked at list after list of careers.
Nothing.
My mother has been depressed for three years now.
Not diagnosed, but if she would go to a doctor, she would be.
It is killing her.
And I suppose the rest of us, much slower.
She and my father are constantly fighting.
Right now, to be specific, they are fighting big time.
He does nothing to help or care or see what is going on.
He has more compassion for strangers than for his own family.
That's what she says.
And I guess sometimes it's true.
He damn near hates my brother.
That causes more problems than you could ever understand.
I am the mediator.
I tell my dad to shut up and learn how to deal with his son. That they could get along if they tried. That he is a jerk to him for no reason and that is why John has so much resentment towards him.
Then I go tell John that dad loves him.
That he only wants what is best for him and he doesn't know how to deal.
The worst part is I don't even know anymore which one I am lying too.
Then there's my grandfather, who my mother is not speaking too.
Sinking her further down into her depression.
He used to love to see us.
As specially me.
We were two peas in a pod.
When my grandmother died, he rejected all of us.
Now, I worry constantly that something is going to happen to him and my mother's last memory of him will be the fight they had.
That will literally kill her.
Then there is my grandmother.
Praying every day that the thing on her face is not cancer.
She will never know. She'll die before she goes to a doctor.
And if something happens to her, my brother will go off the deep end.
I have the job of maintaining the delicate balance of his emotions.
I didn't chose the job, it fell on me as the only one able to handle it.
We know full well that all it takes is one little straw on his back to set him raging.
We know how far he can go.
That, too, would kill my mother.
And my father, who would be forever stricken with regret, knowing it was his fault.
That's my family.
My friends?
I have none.
All gone.
And right now I don't even have a phone to call them on.
They have moved on with their lives and shiny futures and I still miss them deeply.
But in case you didn't notice, I have a lot of other people to worry about.
All the time.
Twenty-four seven.
I work a round the clock job.
I have to keep this family afloat.
What I need is for someone to worry about me.
I don't have time.
Sometimes I think I have that person in you.
Other times I don't.
And when you go away, it will all fall apart.
I promise you.
Long distance would never work for us because I have to beg information from you when I'm standing right in front of you.
When it comes down to the final blow,
You will have to decide which is more important: your education at a far away school,
Or me.
I worry very much about which end of the stick I will be on.
You are my world.
My rock.
You know that.
But you don't need me the way I need you.
And I wont hold you back.
So at night,
I toss and turn with fear,
Because my mind gets away from me.
I can't harness it.
I cannot control my thoughts.
The images that flash in my head are worse than any you have ever seen in a slasher film.
The thoughts that cross through are even worse.
Horrible things happening to the people I love most.
And I can't stop it.
Can you imagine that?
I lose my breath,
My heart pounds,
I sweat and freeze and hide under the covers and pray that it stops.
That's my only relief.
Prayer.
So while I am busy trying to keep everyone else in tact,
I sometimes fall apart.
It is what's to be expected.
You can't be everything.
So yea.
I guess you could say that there are some things bothering me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPBzTxZQG5Q

<3

Sometimes I don't know why the hell I even bother. You will never know how to talk to me.

Maybe to you he isn't anything special.
Maybe he doesn't play some big masculine sport,
Or drive a fancy car.
He doesn't have a trust fund or come from a wealthy family.
Maybe his hair sometimes stands up on his head,
Or he gets a little dirty because he works hard.
Maybe his hobbies are a little unusual.
Maybe he isn't good enough for you because those are the things that you find important.
I don't care about those things.
This is what he does:
He is always there for me.
He is funny and compassionate.
He is my best friend, not just my boyfriend.
He makes plans and promises that he intends to keep.
He is honest.
He doesn't leave me hanging.
He is aware of my insecurities and tries to calm them.
He doesn't judge me.
He loves me.
These are the things that should matter.
Oh, and he's far more attractive than any guy you have ever chased around. :)