Honesty.

So much doubt, so much fear,
More than one person can handle.
I no longer feel safe.
Nothing in mhy world is steady.
Nothing is reliable. Dependable. Believable.
Shifting eyes,
Nervous hands,
Bouncing knees,
Vacant stares,
What am I looking for?
When will things make sense again?
When will I be able to hear a story and believe it?
When will my heart stop sinking?
I'm drowning in my insecurity.
I've never been overly confident, but I've been stable.
Once, that time, long ago.
I feel like there are shaddows all around me.
Trying to hide lies that will only make it worse.
But how could it get worse?
Everything I didn't want to happen has.
The worst has.
Lies that are needless and selfish,
That only hurt me.
Carelessness, distance.
Thats what these lies create.
Distance.
Distance like walls of steel five feet thick so that nothing travels through.
I can't hear, can't see, can't feel.
And even now,
As I write this,
You are teling me you are trying.
So so hard, you say.
Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on you.
But I haven't seen you try hard enough.
And the worst part is,
Even if you are telling me the truth,
I wont believe it.
So many questions unravel themselves like twine in my brain.
I wake up with loose ends,
I go to bed at night with more.
I dream about them.
The cycle repeats.
What is this place we have found ourselves in?