In This Dust That Was A City

Can you miss a nuclear explosion?
I know, it sounds rediculous.
But just think.
What if, at the moment of deployment,
You blink.
For an instant.
Just once.
At the exact moment.
Do you miss it?
It is possible for you to just...
Skip over it.
The blink of your eye takes you to the other side.
From a street with buildings freshly painted and standing strong,
To ruin and destruction,
Without actually putting you in the action.
Well,
I think it must be.
Because how else could all of this stuff happen?
How else could one go from flying high
To sinking under?
I just don't understand it.
I didn't see that moment.
I missed the last straw on the cammels back,
The tipping point.
I missed the fire,
And somehow was left burried in ashes.
I know something happened.
Some catastrophic disaster that caused irreversable damage,
But I don;t know what that disaster was.
I can't find the key that broke the lock.
And what good is that?
If you're going to live through hell,
You want to remember the sight, right?
If you have to be permanently damaged,
Defective,
and out of sync,
You at the very least,
Want something to hold on to.
Some image of terror,
That reminds you of why.
I don't know why.
All I am sure of is what is.

You're so far away.
I want to hold you too.
I want to be with you too.
But you're so far away.
As I sit alone,
Silenced in silent corners,
My mind drifts.
It drifts to being close,
Being held,
Being safe.
And you're so far away.
I am my own enemy.
My worst nightmare.
The one thing holding me back.
And you're so far away.
So far away that my nerve endings itch.
Desperate for warmth,
Solice,
Comfort.
And you're so far away.
I had a plan,
Damnit.
A good one.
I was going to be independant.
And you're so far away.
I was going to be somewhere,
Doing something,
On my own.
I was going to live free.
Im so far away.
Now I just want you to be closer.
Sooner.

Gray.

Which Way is up
Which way is down
Which is the quickest
Escape out of town
Things fall apart
And spyral and sink
It happens in seconds
So I try not to blink
Nothing else matters
To me anymore
Nothing is helping
I can't find the cure
If nothing can stay
And everything ends
What is the point
Of trying again???

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#$%^&*

I'm Sorry.
I don't know what to think,
Or say,
Or do.
You are three steps ahead and I'm falling behind.
And you're getting impacient
And frusterated.
And you should be.
I suck miserably at this game.
And I feel worthless and horrible,
Because I want to think of you constantly,
And whisper sweet, soft words in your ear.
And do silly little things to make you crazy.
I WANT to love you.
You have no idea how much.
But.
Yes, to every good story, there is a but.
I am someone.
Someone whom you may never fully understand.
Because my mind is a complicated web composed of the fibers
that developed from connections
With friends,
With family,
With words,
With rhythm,
With sound and music,
With him.
I hate it.
HATE it.
It infuriates me that I can't silence my mind.
And I hate him!
For all of this
I blame him, damnit!
I was fine.
Perfect.
In love with life.
I was independant, growing stronger.
Then I was pummeled to the ground
By a worthless guy who blinded me.
Stripped me of my Passions,
My Hopes,
My Imagination.
And now, I can't be that girl for you.
Someone who really deserves it.
Because you're beautiful.
And amazing
And flawless
And charming
And smart.
You know just what to say.
He never cared about me like you do.
Never asked me where I was going,
Or told me to be careful.
He never begged me to call him when I reached my destination.
He was reckless,
Detached,
Distant,
Unconcerned.
You're the opposite.
And I don't know what to do.
Because I'm realizing,
I am just like him.
I want to run.
Please don't let me.
Hold me back.
Every time I start to inch away,
Grab my collar and pulll me in.
Call me Lucky and put a metal tag around my neck.
I need a protector.
Someone who can save me from myself.
Not the world.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.

A Warning.

You don't want to follow in my footsteps.
I walk into walls.
You deserve much more than this,
Cause you deserve it all.
I don't have the slightest clue
As to where this road will lead.
Promise me one thing my love,
Turn away, don't follow me.

Taking a Chance.

Listen.
I'm new at this game.
So far, I've only lost.
It's not something I'm confident about,
Or even sure I want to be a part of.
But I like you.
You seem to make me want to try.
One more time.
Maybe it doesn't suck as bad as it seems.
Maybe it doesn't have to end the way it did before.
Maybe two people really can be happy together,
Living in the little dream world that we have created.
I hope this is true.
But you have to go slow.
Don't rush me into anything because I'll run.
I'm known for my speed and agility when things get complicated.
As specially when I get scared.
I'm no fighter.
No amazon.
I'm afraid.
I'm weak.
My heart is not bullet proof and I don't stare down the enemy.
I run.
Faster than lightning in a raging storm.
So please,
Don't.
Don't scare me.
I'm already trembeling.
Just.
Breathe.
Enjoy what we have and don't look to far into the future.
I can't even tell you about my tomorrow.
I'm risking it all.
For Chance.

To Someone

I run with you
In meaddows of tall grass,
past the swings and merry-go-round,
and into the coolness of the forest.
Under the canopy,
I run with you.

I walk with you
bare feet on hot pavement,
down the hills and up,
humming melodies of summer.
Under the ceaseless sun,
I walk with you.

I dream with you,
beneath a blanket speckled with stars,
Cool grass beneath us,
endlessness above us.
In wonder and contentness,
I dream with you.

I'll wait for you,
until the sun of the last day has whispered goodbye,
the ground below breathless and barren,
ceasing to exist in time and space.
Forever, Cara Mia,
I'll wait for you.

It's like, standing in a loud, crowded room, people laughing and talking and carrying on, when suddenly, someone yells "Fire!" and everyone runs out except you.

I am forcing myself to write about something so I have inspiration. Its always interesting to see where this goes. One can wander down some interesting roads when just randomly putting pen to paper. Lets see, right now I am feeling-lonely, but suprisingly okay with that. I am thinking about-Where the Music Leads You and him, and all the problems that encompas him, and the fact that I shouldn't be thinking about him anymore. That's enough. Im done. For some reason, this blog makes him come to mind. Could it be because every word is about him? Hmmm, I wonder... I am wishing I was-In New Jersey. But then again, New Jersey is different now. Doesn't hold the same charm and wonder that it used to. And now Im depressed. Today, my only regret is that- i wont remember it tomorrow. I have no inspiration because- I am seriosly distracted. I need to focus. I want to write. I am going to go to facebook... wow, this post sucks.

I Rode the Thunder

Sometimes, you come to the edge of a cliff. Sometimes, its a literal cliff, but more often then not, its a metaphoric one. And you have to make a decission. You can either jump or walk away. You can attempt the climb down to the bottom, but it's usually rocky and slow. So, you have to decide which will bring you the best results. And what is coming (what you usually don't know) is a giant storm with rolling thunder and striking lightning and high winds. And it's a mess. And it's about to take the mess that you've become and magnify it by about infinity. Yeah, this is a pretty serious moment. Here you are, looking over the edge of a three hundred...no, three thousand foot drop and there is a crowd of people behind you, who you love desperately, all waiting for you to do something, anything, because your life isn't the only one hanging in the balance. Its theirs too, and what you make of yourself will effect all of them. Here you go, kid. Here's an umbrella, a bungee chord, a prayer, and some really good running shoes incase the whole going down thing doesn't work out in your favor. See, in my opinion, the best option is just to wait. Wait for that storm to come. I promise, it won't be long. Because when it comes, it will bring you to a deffinite conclusion. It will push you over the edge and you won't have a choice. But, most likely, you will catch an updraft. And you will ride the thunder all the way to a safe landing, where all those loved ones are waiting for you. And when you come back down to earth, remember where you've been, and don't regret it. Don't pretend it didn't happen, and don't turn your back on the lessons that the past has taught you. And most importantly, don't forget to give me a call. I'll share my story if you share yours.

Freedom in Chains

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
But I had to do it.
Please understand.
I didn't do it to hurt you,
Or to make you look bad.
I would never do that. Not ever.
I did it because I was falling apart.
And I had preserved what we had for so long,
In a perfect little airtight safe in my head
Hoping someday, you'd change your mind.
And believing, all the while,
That if you didn't
I would want that memory of you there to hold onto.
And I do.
But that memory was controling me.
It wouldn't become a memory.
It was still being lived.
And I still keep your memory,
Because I still don't regret a second of it,
I keep it tucked away
So that when a rainy day comes,
And I feel alone,
I can pull it out,
And remember those days when I believe we
Both
were so alive.
And hapy.
I wouldn't trade you for the world.
But we never really came to a resolution.
We never had an ending.
Yes, our relationship ended,
Butu our friendship was just floating in space
In between friends and enemies,
And I needed a conclusion.
I needed it all to be over.
Finality.
And now that it is,
I have this wierd feeling.
I've never been angry at someone before.
Not genuinly, deeply angry.
Until last night.
It's a strange thing, anger is.
The strangest part is that
It stems from love.
Now I'm not angry anymore.
Now I don't feel the need to hate you,
Or myself.
Because it is all over.
And I feel free
For the first time in six months.
And I know very well that a part of me is still in your hands.
But a part of you is still in my heart.
The part that I want to remember.
I'm still in chains.
I still don't want to love again.
Not any time soon.
But that is because I can feel my heart
For the first time in six months,
And it doesn't hurt.
So im in no rush
To repeat the experience.
The heartbreak,
However,
Was worth it.
Thank you.
And good-bye, friend.
Always,
Ashleigh.

@#%&UISTNHGY OT^%#!*(()*#$@$%^*&(^%#RUIU#@UF#$*%$#@!Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats how im feeling,
Thank you very much.

Ok
That is it.
The end
Mission Failure
System Down
Housten, I think you are the problem.
No more of this chasing you crap.
You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself,
And I am wasting my time giving myself to you.
I cant be your cheerleader anymore.
You lied to me, you broke a million promises,
And you treat me like a stranger who you never loved.
Who you never even knew.
Go ahead.
Pretend you are someone you're not.
You're a bold faced liar,
And your friends don't know the real you because you don't even know who you really are.
You walk around with this depressed, meancholy, fell sorry for me attitude,
But you bring it on yourself.
It was your fault that I let you in once.
My fault that I let myself go on loving you.
My heart is tired of hurting.
I am tired of fighting.
One of these days,
You are going to wake up,
And wish you had let me catch you.
Hopefully for me,
That is the same day I will be waking up next to the guy who did.
Stay away from me.
That's it.
Bye.

Why I Do What I Do

Why do I write? Someone asked me the other day. I did not have an answer for them. "Because." I told them. Now, if I had asked a question, and someone responded with "because", I would have wanted to drop kick them. I hate that word. That word means one of two things. It either means you don't actually have a reason, and you're just spitting out the one thought that comes to mind, or you have a deffinite reason, and just don't care to share. Laziness. That's what it is. And in any case, "because" does not apply to me. I do write for a reason. But it is not one deffinite thing. Not that I can fully express. Now, however, after I considered it, I thought of what I should have said.

I write, like most others, to draw connections between the past, the present, and the future. I write to make sence of the things that didn't make sence when they happened. I write because it's the only way I really know how to keep a solid record of time. I take what people call black and white, and make a mess out of things, creating this big blob of grey. It's like squirting paint on a canves. Imagine it. The sound it makes, squeezing the bottle until nearly all it's contents are on the stretched vinal. Then take your hands, and rub them around in the cool, sticky paint until the white and black are no longer two seperate colors, and instead, they are so blended together that it is a big puddle of grey on the canvas, and on your hands. Who wouldn't want to do that? Yes, it gets a little dirty at times, but even still, it's a good kind of dirty. And finally, I write to bridge the gap between reality and the imagined. What we feel, and what we do. Between truth and lies. Because there is no set definition of reality. What we feel rarely coresponds to what we do, and there is truth, even in the lies. I write to show pain, happiness, pride, fear, helplessness, and love. I write because often, I cannot find the words to speak it. Because nothing, to me, seems as real as when it is writen down on paper, where I can see it. Where I can show it to the world, and hope they understand, too. Where I can draw the image with words, exactly how the sky looked that night that two young, innocent, and sweetly nieve kids lied on the grass, holding hands under the crisp autumn moon. I can express the was his hand felt in mine, warm, and fitted like a puzzlepiece. I can show you how the ocean smells just after the rain, and the way that salty, miosture holds onto your lungs peanut-butter to the roof of your mouth. The sound of a friends voice, raised in song, so full she was almost in tears. The taste of hot spaghetti prepared moments ago in a kitchen where time stopped and the only thing that mattered in the world was that the sauce not boil over the brim of the pot. All of those sencory things, that you would never get to experience if I didn't write them down. And all of those things that I am afraid to forget. I write because the people are too great, and the life is too precious, to be forgotten.

Dawning

As the summer fades,
and slowly,
Comes to a close,
I realize something.
I will never get those days back.
As I am here, trying to keep up,
The world is hurdeling around me,
Doing laps around my breathless body.
Yesterday, I was two years old.
I was dreamind wide eyed,
Into a kalydascope,
Dinosaurs spinning around,
Glitter and water dancing around them.
Now, I sit here tonight,
Typing on my computer, and no one is listening.
No one hears what I am saying.
And no one would get it even if they did.
I am sitting here, talking to you,
Or the invisible, non existant something,that I have chosen to call "you".
I have to make plans.
I have to live my life.
Im going to have to leave home, away from the comfort,
And the safety,
And the acceptance,
And venture out into a world that I don't understand,
And that scares the hell out of me.
I AM afraid.
Not because I'm growing up.
Because I'll never grow up again.