Questions

What am I without you?

Where am I?

Who am I?

My friends are my mirrors.

Without them, I cannot see my own reflection.

My friends are my anchor.

My lighthouse.

Without them, I'm lost to sea,

Tossed in a churned ocean;

A raging storm.

How far will we go before we come back?

Different states?

Different coasts?

Different countries?

Different hemispheres?

Will we ever come back?

Is everything that we had just gone to the wind

Now that we are growing up and going off on our own paths?

Do we just forget and move on?

I don't know if I can do that.

You mean the world to me, and what do you do when your world is gone?

You're stuck in space.

A wierd twilight zone of confusion and chaos.
But the chaos doesn't matter

And the confusion makes no difference.

It is inevitable and unavoidable.

These changes are rapid fire,

And they take no prisoners.

Is it all or nothing?

Do we have to say goodbye?

I want to be brave.

Shhh. Stop. Nows the moment. Closer...closer...make contact...eyes closed...deep breath...5,4,3,2-

fail. Its like a trainwreck.

Lets runaway, just you and me.
These walls and this town are closing in.
Its always something.
Someone.
Every time.
I just want to be with you.
Where nothing can stop the flow.
We can sleep all day,
Under the warmth of the sun,
In a field built for you and I.
Breathing slowly, feathery eyed.
Interlaced beneath the sky.
We can run, hand in hand,
Through tall grass, ignoring time and space,
And everyones plans.
Don't you want to get away?
Make the great escape, like we used to say we would.
Jump a train, ride until we're caught.
Make our lives where the train tracks stop.
Im tired of life getting in the way.
Of holding back any public display.
You and I, well, we're meant to be.
I hope that you haven't lost sight of our dreams.
One of these days, I will show you a place
Where we can dissapear.
Inside our hearts, our souls, our minds,
Nomatter where we go.
We need to be wild,
While were still young.
Im in, If you're in.

@#$%^%$%#

I can feel you
Slipping through my fingers like dry sand.
My heart is pounding faster and faster.
I find myself naucious.
Ive felt like this before.
Like my entire world is about to spin off of its axis, and I wont know why.
And I wont be able to stop it.
I love you.
So much.
More than I can explain.
And I know that you are tired.
And you're probably getting frusterated.
And thats okay.
I want to be everything you need, and everything you could imagine wanting.
And Im trying to be.
Because I know I can.
I know its taking forever, and you are losing faith.
But don't give up on me.
There are things holding me back,
That shouldn't be holding me back anymore.
And Im trying to let go for you.
Slowly, it's working.
So don't give up on me yet.
You are my world.
And I dont want to lose you.

<3

Safe.
The world is scary. Terrifying, even.
Everywhere I turn, Im finding more things to dread.
There are darkened corners,
And shifting shaddows.
Masked offenders,
And creeping villains.
Nothing is risk free.
No where is safe.
No where but with you.
Im very rarely not afraid.
Very seldomly do I find courage or bravery.
Usually I am just fine hiding in my shell
Where I know the limits.
But you.
You are not afraid.
I dont think you're afraid of anything.
And your courage keeps me calm.
I know,
Beyond a shaddow of a doubt,
That I do not have to be afraid.
Not when Im with you.
I dont need to look over my shoulder,
Or mark a path,
Or stand on constant guard.
I can relax
And breathe.
Find comfort in knowing that I get to be the girl attached to your arm,
For as long as destiny allows.
And I want you to know,
I have not felt that way in a very long time.
Sweetly,
Simply,
Safe.

Riddle Me This

She's a human train wreck,
A walking paradox.
She says she wants to disapear,
But she's already lost.
She has eyes of ocean blue,
But see's in shades of gray.
She's never gotten very far,
But she always runs away.
Not a person understands her,
But she has a simple mind.
She spends her days lost in the past,
But she's running out of time.
Those who weren't supposed to hurt her
Have moved on long ago.
She spends her hours deep in thought,
But she already knows.
The boy who'se lurking in the shaddows,
She's waiting for his call,
But the moment that he takes her hand,
Three steps behind she'll fall.
She wants to be a writer,
But the poet in her died.
She wants to be an artist,
But she's already tried.
She says she wants to see the world.
But she's scared to leave the nest.
She wants to learn to fly someday,
But fears she'll pass the test.
You think that you can save her,
Maybe turn a bright light on.
Darkness is her biggest fear,
But this girl's already gone.
If you're looking for her look away.
You'll find her by suprise.
Dont try to study all her ways.
You'll never memorize.
There's no map to give directions,
Not a star to give a wink.
There's just so much more I could say,
But her pen is outof ink.

Hmmmmmmmm

He's the strong, silent type.
He's wondering what he's gotten himself into,
But he doesn't seem to mind.
He sits quietly,
Paciently,
Like sunlight on a window pane,
Grinning as I ramble on.
He never inturrupts,
Never complains,
Never questions.
He justs sits.
And listens.
He looks away where I seek out.
He stays quiet where I speak up.
He stays still while I run around.
And yet,
He has courage where I have nothing but fear.
He seems to enjoy being the stable center around which i spin.
All smiles, most of the time.
All positive outlook and compassion.
Clever and silly.
His silence is calming.
His stillness is serenity
In a chaotic and whirling place.
Always easy to find,
And the first one I look for.
Now, if I can just keep him happy,
This may have a happy ending...

Sound Check

The spotlight burns hot,
Distorting the faces of those I know, and the strangers in the audience.
I can hear feedback from the amps,
White noise and popping,
As if hollow and waiting to be filled.
The intro is a bit shaky.
I stumble over the first three chords.
Silence fills the crowd.
Then, something happens.
A jolt,
A twitch,
A flicker,
And the music has worked it's will.
Taking over my body.
My mind.
My soul.
It has me, now, by the heart strings.
Tugging away furiously,
Reaching into my inner core.
I can feel the power thrumming through me as people begin to clap.
I hear someone cheer,
Then another.
Then a whistle.
I don't know where these things are coming from,
And some of it I know I don't even notice.
Im way too far gone.
People stand to their feet as my fingers run like liquid over the fret board.
I build to a climax,
Then, when I have the audience at full attention,
I stop.
No more guitar.
A pause seems to last several millennia.
A hear a "shhhh!" from the stands.
I can't see their faces, but I can feel their eyes on me.
And I begin to sing again.
This time, accapella.
The song dies.
Comes to a crawl.
Sounds desperate.
Slowly, my fingers find their way back to the fret board.
First, simply picking a few strings,
Then, as if lighting up a bottle rocket,
I'm off again.
Stronger and faster than before.
Building the song back to it's final horrah.
It's close comes,
I strum the last chord,
Inhale for the first time.
And then there was the applause.
I could have lived of the applause.
I wanted to dive in and roll around in it.
People on their feet,
Screaming and hollering right into my ears.
Then, I smile.
Stand up.
And walk away.
What a rush.

You.

Please
Be pacient.
I am capable of love so huge that I cannot contain it.
I know because Ive felt it before.
Which is why I am so slow to give it away.
But I want to give it to you.
So don't give up on me yet.
I still have some details to hash out with myself.
Some arguments to end.
But then,
I will be all yours.
Because Id rather see others smiling, and happy,
Than anything else in the world.
The people I love.
And you fall under that category.
Sorry that you had to get me all hand-me-down and warn,
But Im still capable.
Still in good working condition.
And you can make it even better.
Im so glad you're finally in my life.
It took, what?
Seven years?
But finally,
You're here.
And I feel safe.
For the first time since my heart was crushed for the first time.
Really safe.
So don't go.
Let me show you that I can make you so happy.
I want to.
And I will.
Thank you.
For everything.

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world

I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl

How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?

How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?

Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze

A trail for the devil to erase San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play

Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?

We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay

We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell

About the saddest book you ever readIt always makes you cry

The statue’s crying too and well he may.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face

I love you my responsibility has found a place

Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words

Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd

“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”

Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake

We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates

A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style

We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by

And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate

In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day

The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays

He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor

He knows the drink affects his speed he’s praying for a doorway

Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench

Life outside a diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend

I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend

A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day

You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”

The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like a flower

Meet you at the statue in an hour

Meet you at the statue in an hour

I'm running out of ways of running away.
And it seems to be problematic.
Every time someone has to say goodbye,
Even if it's just a short term, "See ya later"
I freak.
I stutter, I stammer, I lose my ability to speak.
I usually give a quick hug (injuring me and the other person in the process) Fail to hear exactly what the departing person is saying, And turn and run. And I never look back. Never. I hate saying goodbye. It is such a terrible term. How is "bye" ever good? It isn't! It means the end! Case closed, class dismissed, over and out! I hate endings! I sleep with books for months after I finish reading them, hoping that somehow, more words will appear, telling me what happens next. I mean, just because there are no more chapters doesn't mean the story is over, right? There has to be more! I can't handle the term "no more". And I dread the words "you're out of time". It's so... resolute. So definite. So sure of itself. I never look back, because if I do, I will want to start over. I will want to stop the person from leaving, and hold another conversation with them, which only makes it harder, because I will have to say goodbye again! There is no way out! It's a vicious circle! Everything is a goodbye! And it sucks. It truely does. But, they say that every ending is just a new begining. Yes, it is. And it gives us more chances to say goodbye. But, as it seems, people are catching onto my weakness. They stop me from running. They grab my hand and yank me back, holding me close. Is it because you truely think I'm crazy? I swear, I'm not. Just afraid. Afraid of losing you. Yes, whoever you are, whoever is reading this, I am afraid of losing you. Of never seeing you again. Of being left alone. So, here's the deal. My one and only request. If you plan on being a passing ship in the night; on leaving at any time; let me run away from your goodbye. But if not, tell me so. And mean it. Because if I can trust you, I know that it'll be okay. And I will have nothing to run from. -Ash.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!
Summer is here.
God, this year sucked.
It was just misadventure after misadventure,
Heartbreak after heartbreak.
Nothing worked out,
Nothing came together.
Everything fell apart.
People left,
Relationships were destroyed,
Things changed.
Things ended.
But you know what?
Who cares?
None of that matters anymore.
The past is the past, and the present is now.
And it just so happens to be presently summer.
Everyone knows that magic happens in summer.
Im ready for some magic.
I need some magic.
I have a shot at something that could be great.
And I am not going to screw it up this time.
Because the past is gone,
And Ill never get it back.
Never get him back.
Time to move on.
And thats exactly what summer means.

For Chance. I know youll see it here.

Chance, listen, I don't know how many times you want me to apologise. I explained everything in great detail. Im am still here, talking to you and being your friend, een though its really not easy right now. I told you when this started that it wasn't a forever thing. im in highschool. youre jujst graduating. we have our entire lives ahead of us, and it's better this way. If you need me to explain it again, i will. call me. after this weekend because imtrying to stay distracted. ill explain it one more time. then you have to promise you'll accept it, because i am so sorry. i neer wanted to hurt you, and what frusterates me most is that you KNOW that. Thats why I did this now, instead of months from now. it would have been harder then. and you know it. But the bottom line is that I had to. For both of us. You don't have to believe me, and you probably wont, but thats the truth. I am sorry. I really am. Very sorry, because you know what I think of you. And you know that I have nothing say about you. And I don't. I HAVE NOT moved on. Apparently you really don't know me at all. If you think I could ever do that, then you don't know the first thing about me. Once again, Im sorry that I had to do this. I hate myself for it. I take full responsibility and I feel terrible. But I had to. And that's what Im focusing on. I cant going on feeling this way, and you shouldnt either. We werent right for each other, Chance. If you spend a little time, really thinking about all the facts, all that happened while we were together, youd know that too. You would see that I was never right for you. You deserve so much more than me. You need someone who can love you and isnt hung up on another guy that she'll never get back. You desere that, so go and find it. I will move on eventually. But I NEED YOU TO KNOW that I have not. I dont move that quickly. It took me a year just to accept another guys proposal after Kyle. It would never have worked. It was wrong from the begining. I broke all my rules. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I loved every moment, and regret nothing. If youdon't agree, or if you're mad or refuse to understand, thats ok. I wont be upset, or angry at you, or even suprised. You should be upset. But you have to try and get past this. Because it happened. And I know from experience that all the tears, anger, depression and wishing in the world cant change whats done. It doesnt bring people back. Im so sorry. Please believe me. I have to end this because im in a trailer at a camp ground trying to enjoy myself. Just elieve me. Youll be fine. -Ashleigh

How am I supposed to trust you?
You don't trust me.
My intentions are always honorable.
I think Im doing things right.
I think Im finally getting on your good side.
And then you start yelling again.
You never give an explination.
You just start yelling.
I have never done anything you would object to.
Except for that one car ride last memorial day weekend.
Other than that, my record is spotless.
Ive never betrayed your trust,
Never snuck out of the house,
Never drank,
Never smoked,
Never even liked a guy until I was sixteen.
You don't know how lucky you are.
I'm a good girl.
Ask my friends.
I dont even curse frequently.
I go to church,
Say my prayers,
I'm pacient,
I listen,
I am constantly doing things for you,
Taking care of your children,
Sure, my rooms a little messy at times,
But that sure isn't why youre constantly mad at me.
If that's all it takes, then I will never make you happy.
Althought I am already pretty sure I never will.
Nothing I do satisfies you.
Nothing I say you actually hear.
You cut me off,
Yell some more,
And scream at me when I inturrupt, begging you to let me say one thing.
Yousay you trust me,
But you're a liar.
Don't know why.
Ive never done a damned thing wrong.
And now,
I really want to.
I want to so bad.
I want to destroy your trust,
I want to piss you off to the ends of the earth.
I want to go get drunk,
Sleep with a guy I met at a truck ralley,
And contract some rare, but not life threatening STD
So that every time a doctor calls,
You are reminded of it.
I want to do something you will never forgive or forget
Because you deserve it.
You make everyone loathe you.
My mother ends up paying, as well as everyone else in the house.
All I want is to enjoy the last bit of time I have with you,
And Im pretty sure you want to destroy what's left of our relationship.
I want to leave,
But I couldn't do that to them.
They dont deserve it.
Im not here for you.
Im here for them.
No, I dont hate you.
I think you're a dick and an arrogant ass hole,
I can't stand you most of the time,
And yet,
There is some inherent human instinct telling me to love you.
Because I am your child.
And so, I do.
I have those fleeting, and yet wonderful memories of us having fun.
Fishing, hiking, camping, playing guitar by a fire.
Yea, its hard to believe now that those things actually happened.
You must have prepared for an adolescant rebellion,
And freaked out when I didn;t rebel.
So you forced me too because thats the way this is supposed to go.
Well done.
I want to rebel.

S.O.S

Suddenly I am two different people.
One of me
(we'll call her Ash)
Wants to make this work.
She keeps saying,
Think about this.
He's sweet,
He's trying really hard,
He cares about you deply,
And most people would kill to have a guy like that.
You're being silly,
Not seeing what you have right in front of you.
And my God, those eyes...
But
The other part;
Leigh;
She says
Get out while the goin's still good.
She is constantly screaming
This isn't right,
He's not the kind of person you need.
You need silliness and space,
Oxygen,
Room to breathe,
Independance.
You're trapped.
And the longer you wait,
The harder it will be.
You don't want to go through this again.
Remember when we were single?
Remember how much fun we had?
Ah, the good old days...
And so while Ash and Leigh are batteling it out,
Ashleigh is stuck in the center,
An optimistic, sweet heart on her right shoulder,
A freedom loving angst poet on her left,
And Ashleigh is slowly losing her mind.
I don't know what to do.
And I hate not knowing.
I wish I could give a deffinite answer.
My gut says one thing,
And my heart says another.
My deep desire for lasting connections,
Companionship
And comfort
is saying;
Stay.
Wait it out just a little longer.
Then, my need to be free,
To be able to joke and play and run
Says that its time to go.
And the pit of my stomache says something's not right.
!@#(&#$%^&^*&%^%$#
Relationships suck.

In This Dust That Was A City

Can you miss a nuclear explosion?
I know, it sounds rediculous.
But just think.
What if, at the moment of deployment,
You blink.
For an instant.
Just once.
At the exact moment.
Do you miss it?
It is possible for you to just...
Skip over it.
The blink of your eye takes you to the other side.
From a street with buildings freshly painted and standing strong,
To ruin and destruction,
Without actually putting you in the action.
Well,
I think it must be.
Because how else could all of this stuff happen?
How else could one go from flying high
To sinking under?
I just don't understand it.
I didn't see that moment.
I missed the last straw on the cammels back,
The tipping point.
I missed the fire,
And somehow was left burried in ashes.
I know something happened.
Some catastrophic disaster that caused irreversable damage,
But I don;t know what that disaster was.
I can't find the key that broke the lock.
And what good is that?
If you're going to live through hell,
You want to remember the sight, right?
If you have to be permanently damaged,
Defective,
and out of sync,
You at the very least,
Want something to hold on to.
Some image of terror,
That reminds you of why.
I don't know why.
All I am sure of is what is.