My Brothers Keeper

You are like a roller coaster.
Flying high one minute,
And then barreling toward the ground the next.
And it happens so fast.
I don't even know what triggers it.
I wonder if it is my fault.
Or the families.
But I can't think of anyone who doesn't love you.
And maybe I don't show it enough.
I don't know how to I guess.
But I do.
And you make me so scared.
So now I have decided that I need to do something.
I need to make sure that you don't hit the bottom again.
For you, yes,
But for my own sanity, and that of our mother.
You can't do this to everyone again.
You do it to me too,
But I have to be strong. Someone does.
It is a lot to take on, considering your history.
But I am going to try.
I will not let you fall off the radar.

The Truth

Actually, no. I am not okay.

I’m falling apart.

And I am terrified.

I m afraid that I might not make it without you.

That I won’t know what to do without you next to me.

I’m afraid that you won’t miss me like I will miss you.

That you will forget about us,

And the things we do,

And the way we live and dream.

I am afraid that you will leave like everyone else.

I am afraid to be alone.

You are all I have left.

And if you go away, there will be no one.

Don’t you understand that?

So, no.

I’m not okay at all.

I actually have to piece my heart back together every time you mention leaving.

Because just thinking about it,

About the way you dont seem to care at all

that we wont live next to each other anymore,

Hurts my heart.

I am clinging t what is left of my pride,

And doing all I can not to beg you to stay.

But You leaving wont just take away the man I’m in love with.

It will take away my best friend

Savannah

Watching the storms roll in over the marshlands
Sends a chill down my spine to the small of my back.
As the winds pick up,
And the grasses sway and hiss,
I feel powerless to stop it.
This is the rainy season.
When the blue in the sunny sky
can be ripped away in an instant,
Over-taken by harsh gray clouds and that heavy storm air.
All is silenced.
All is calm.
But only for a second.
With one loud crash it sounds as if the sky is a plate of glass,
Shattering above my head.
Shards fly everywhere, shrapnel in the form of piercing raindrops.
As they fall heavier and heavier,
And the landscape before me is blurred,
Lightning cracks the sky open,
Slices it right in two.
A sharp, jagged bolt of white light,
Answering to no one, conducting the cosmic event with every strike.
I am filed with passion.
Fury.
Desperation.
My nerve endings twitch with electric energy.
This is the wild.
This is nature.
This is power.
this is life.
This is God.

Georgia.

Tell me that you need me.
Tell me that you think about me all the time.
Tell me that you miss me madly and that no one makes you laugh like I do.
That you have found at least one thing a day that made you wish I was with you.
That where you are is lonely without me.
Tell me that you are having fun but would rather talk to me.
Tell me that you love me and are thinking about me all the time.
That trees make you think of me,
Rain makes you think of me,
The songs on the radio make you think of me,
The sunrise makes you think of me,
And That you see me in your dreams.
Maybe you think this is selfish,
But let me tell you; assure you; of one thing:
This is how I feel about you.
Every second of every day you are on my mind.
I cant focus on anything.
I've painted over my own fingers thinking about you.
Every time I have to walk back to my dorm with the Georgia rain pouring on my shoulders,
With the lightning streaking the dark sky and thunder crackling loudly in the distance.
with the lonely wind blowing through the spanish moss in the trees;
I miss you passionately.
To the point of tears.
But you can't tell because the rain disguises.
I've taken pictures to show you all the things you would love;
But it isn't the same.
Not like it would be if you were here.
I think I'm missing you a lot more than you are missing me.
And it breaks my heart.
Just tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you miss me.
Tell me; no, promise me;
That you need me.

Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday

“You have so much time, Jude.

“So much time to figure ut who you are and where you’re going.

“So much time to figure out what you want, and your future.”

That’s what they keep telling me.

Like time grows on trees.

But you know what?

They’re wrong.

Time is no renewable resource.

It is always running out,

Like oil, like trees.

We don’t have so much time.

Every second is one you will never get back.

I cannot believe I am eighteen.

I cannot believe my grandmother has been gone for three years.

I cannot believe I am about to graduate.

I cannot believe I’m not a kid anymore.

I cannot believe how long I have had my best friends.

I cannot believe that we have been together for a year.

Why?

Because it doesn’t feel like that long.

But it has been.

That’s the reality of time; it creeps up on you.

You never see it coming till it’s gone.

And it is precious.

And fleeting.

So, Cara mia,

Let’s not talk about today tomorrow.

Lets talk about tomorrow tomorrow.

Tomorrow and our futures.

Our shared futures.

Let’s make plans we’ll never live out.

Let’s make plans we will.

Lets do crazy things.

Lets stay out late and get up early.

Lets drive to the airport every Saturday morning at five a.m. and watch the sun come up, then let’s go to Waffle House. Then let’s go back to your room, and sleep for hours, and be awake to watch the sun go back down.

Lets laugh and smile and feel and experience all there is to experience.

Lets love like there IS no tomorrow.

Like every moment is our last.

And lets live with the passion and intensity that we talk about, that we dream about. That we have inside of us.

Lets set our world on fire.

Welcome Home.

You touch me and I instantly feel sleepy.

in the best way imaginable.

that sleepy, dreamy, warm feeling where your eyes are heavy and part of you really does not want to fall asleep just because of what you might miss.

All the slumber I missed during the week falls over me like a rush of cool water because I know I can close my eyes in your arms.

All the worries, all the stresses, all the chaos of this life dissolves.

It’s like some electrifying shock that radiates from your fingertips and soothes my manic mind.

When you’re gone, I’m lost.

It’s quite pathetic, actually.

I can’t remember what I did before you.

There must have been something in my life that kept me going the way you do but I do not remember what it was.

It must have been good though.

Because now, I’m a spaz when i’m alone.

I don’t even need you physically next to me.

I just like knowing that when I go to sleep at night,

You are safe and dreaming and about fifty yards away.

My only hope in those times is that maybe you’re thinking of me.

If so, I want for nothing.

I have all I will ever need in you, and I hope to be all you will ever need.

All you will ever want.

It’s drizzly nights like this one,

Where the air is still warm and heavy on my eyes,

and the moon is covered by a light layer of clouds,

that I feel so alive.

So in love.

That I want you here with me more than ever to drink in the sweet thickness of this radiant, beautiful life.

And that would not be if it weren’t for you.

All the years I wasted getting here.

I must have been crazy.

Either that, or I’m crazy now.

But you know what, cara mia?

That’s alright by me.

Overwhelmed

I am so tired.
Mentally, emotionally,
Physically.
I have not slept soundly in months.
I wake up horrified and sick.
Or I just wake up for no reason, which sometimes is worse.
If I'm not worrying about one thing, I'm worrying about another,
Because I have gotten to the point where I have little faith.
I don't trust anyone and I hate it.
All I see is people leaving.
People who were never supposed to let me down are.
I feel useless and unnecessary when all I want is for someone to need me as desperately as I need them.
Then, maybe, I won't feel so crazy.
I miss my best friends,
I miss my family,
I miss the guy I love when he is sitting right next to me
Because I feel like he is going to leave.
I should know better,
Or at least enough not to think and dwell on it.
But everything doesn't happen for a reason.
Some things just happen because Life' a bitch.
There is no Carma, no destiny.
There is a yesterday and a today.
And followed by today will be a tomorrow,
And another and another and another.
Eventually, one of those wont have a tomorrow.
And that will be that.
Life will be lived and done and you wont be able to go back and retrieve a damn thing.
So why do we do it?
Why do we make ourselves crazy?
The futility of our day to day lives.
It's intoxicating and maddening.
We go to school to learn and prepare ourselves for work.
We go to wok to afford to live.
we want to afford to live so that when we retire we can be comfortable.
We retire comfortably so that we die in peace.
So basically, we live to die.
Sure, we do things in there.
We have fun, make discoveries,meet people, fall in love, get married, have children, find passion, make assertions about things far beyond our understanding, we gain knowledge, we search for meaning, we develop opinions and beliefs, we contribute to society, but for what?
Kingdoms have risen above the shadows of mighty men.
Those same kingdoms have fallen int ruin.
They are in the history books.
Dusty pages of information to teach us, so that we can live, etc etc.
But what does it mean?
What does it say?
Who will be there to listen?
I have this sense of urgency.
Like everything is in need of immediate attention.
Because life is so short,
And so much is wasted.
I'm sorry if you think I am going insane.
Maybe I am.
It was never my intention.
But I need you.
If you want to help, calm me.
Simply be there.
Be permanent, make me a promise and keep it.
Change my mind about things.
Please don't give up on me.
There is no one who will love you like I do.
Even if I don't show you correctly.
Love me back with fury and strength.
Make me feel safe.
Show me that you need me.
Because, Cara Mia, I need you.
And I want to be needed.
To be useful and enjoyable.
Maybe it is futile but it is all we have.
I'm so tired.
I'm so afraid.
I'm so in love.

"Even though we think we have changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point that you are'nt my best friend-i promise you that. ♥ ”

Startin to get my Groove back

This is not how it is supposed to go.
This was not in the plan.
My plan was always to leave.
To get out of here as soon as I could.
But now,
I don't wanna be anywhere else.
All of a sudden,
It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing.
The only thing that matters is who I'm with.
And if its not you, I am not interested.
This is insane.
My priorities have shifted drastically.
Instead of wrtiting novels and playing guitar with my friends on the weekends,
I'm watching masonry competitions.
Driving around downtown.
Replanning my future so that we both fit.
Thinking about things to do that we both might enjoy.
Because I no longer like operating as a single unit.
I have always been pretty independant.
So what I'm wondering is how you did this to me.
It was never my intention to meet someone
Whose going on vacation would make me cry.
It was never my intention
To be this settled and decided this early.
I'm only eighteen.
I have my whole life ahead of me.
But now,
All I see in my future is you.
At least, thats all Im looking forward too.
Am I scared?
You're damn straight.
Am I reconsidering?
Never.
Because suddenly,
Everything I understood makes no sence.
But everything I never understood is perfectly clear.
Love truly is earth shattering.
A hurricane that no one notices.
I tornado that no one sees.
An erruption that no one hears
But the fire of which reshapes the contour of the entire planet.
Nothing is the same as love.
Nothing is as beautiful, as vital, as fresh, as crucial.
And nothing is as innocent.
As pure.
As true.
As moving.
As inspiring.
Nothing makes changes like love.

I know why I have writers block. It's because they haven't come up with words, yet, to fully express how I'm feeling. And because I've never felt like this before, I haven't had time to make them up. "I love you" isn't strong enough. There needs to be a word more pure. Less adulterated by the years of abuse the word "love" has taken. The Greeks know what theyre talking about. Did you know they have like fifteen different ways of saying the same basic thing? Or, actually, it's not the same basic thing and they understand that. That is where the Greek language is much more effective than English could ever dream of being. They have a word to describe the love they feel for family, a different one for the love they feel for their children, another for their significant other, (theres a few of those), and another for their God. It's crazy, but brilliant. That's what we need. Because I myself am guilty of misusing the word "love." Take, for example, a phrase like, "I love tacos." Now, what I SHOULD say is, "I really like to eat tacos." Because I feel no sort of romantic affection or heartfelt connection with tacos. Its just a taco. And so, when I say I love you to YOU, it doesnt feel strong enough, because the word has been used to describe tacos, or a favorite tv show, or a book, or a song. And none of these things are actually "loved." Not like I love you. I love you the most.

For Nicholas.

This is something my boyfriend wrote he does not think it is very good but i do because i believe in him and encourage him like that and he loves me for it! i know that cause he has said so. Anyway this is what he wrote.

Fencing is the second safest Olympic sport and one of many other Olympic sports. It was recognized as such in the late eighteen hundreds. Fencing has come a long way since then and is growing in popularity in America. This is mainly due to the fact that the women’s saber team won all three metals in the 2008 Olympics. If you do not know what fencing is do not worry I’m getting to that.

Basically fencing is a sport where two people fight, or “have a bout” with each other using one of three types of swords. The three types are Foil, Saber, and Epee. Each weapon has its own rules that go along with it. For every weapon though the goal pretty much is to hit the other person with the tip or blade of your sword, and not to get hit by there’s.

Fencing may seem dangerous by the fact that you are stabbing at each other with a sword, but it is actually one of the safest. This is because the swords used are blunted and have rubber tips on the end and because each person where’s safety gear. The gear all fencers where are jackets, gloves, and masks. The jacket is made to stop penetration form a broken and sharp sword. The gloves cover your hands and the mask has a metal mesh that covers your face and sides of you head. It is padded so when you are hit in the face you can hardly feel it.

The sports root come from Nobel kings and knights who had duels of honor. These people naturally wanted to practice so they made blunted swords to do so with. You may recall in Hamlet when laurtise and Hamlet had a duel near the end of the play, this is what I am talking about. 35 years or so ago came the invention of electric fencing, where the swords electronically set off a score box when one person is hit. This is what is used today.

Fencing is a very fun activity to do, and can be done by kids as young as 7 or 8 and adults as old as 80 or 85. The sport is open to people who want to fence competitively and maybe even go to the Olympics some day, to those who are just looking to stay in shape. If you are interested in learning how to fence look for a club in your area or a university with a fencing program.

Floodland

These rivers are bound to overflow. The rain will fall; drowning torrents of glass blue beads pulled by gravity, cascading life into the streets and yards and hills and valleys, filling the rivers to capacity until the floodgates give way and that vital water rushes out beyond its barriers, into our world. The it will make a mad dash for the sea. We are these rivers. You and I. We will take in life like sweet summer sunshine until we cannot hold anymore. Then we will pour it out. We will travel the world, gorging our own path, blazing our own trail, and making our own history. Like each raindrop that falls tonight. They wont remember us. They wont take note of our journey or call us out by name. They wont notice the water level in the ocean rise. But they will see the flowers that grow in our tracks, the nourishment provided in our forgotten fragments. They will know, somehow, deep in the subconscious reaches of their mind, that we were here. That we were love. We are as infinite as those raindrops in the river. We can never end. We fall, we flood, we run, we grow, we disappear, we fall again. Together forever. In this lifetime and the next. Immortal, no matter what they say. Because things like you and me don’t just fade away. We become part of the atmosphere.