Overwhelmed

I am so tired.
Mentally, emotionally,
Physically.
I have not slept soundly in months.
I wake up horrified and sick.
Or I just wake up for no reason, which sometimes is worse.
If I'm not worrying about one thing, I'm worrying about another,
Because I have gotten to the point where I have little faith.
I don't trust anyone and I hate it.
All I see is people leaving.
People who were never supposed to let me down are.
I feel useless and unnecessary when all I want is for someone to need me as desperately as I need them.
Then, maybe, I won't feel so crazy.
I miss my best friends,
I miss my family,
I miss the guy I love when he is sitting right next to me
Because I feel like he is going to leave.
I should know better,
Or at least enough not to think and dwell on it.
But everything doesn't happen for a reason.
Some things just happen because Life' a bitch.
There is no Carma, no destiny.
There is a yesterday and a today.
And followed by today will be a tomorrow,
And another and another and another.
Eventually, one of those wont have a tomorrow.
And that will be that.
Life will be lived and done and you wont be able to go back and retrieve a damn thing.
So why do we do it?
Why do we make ourselves crazy?
The futility of our day to day lives.
It's intoxicating and maddening.
We go to school to learn and prepare ourselves for work.
We go to wok to afford to live.
we want to afford to live so that when we retire we can be comfortable.
We retire comfortably so that we die in peace.
So basically, we live to die.
Sure, we do things in there.
We have fun, make discoveries,meet people, fall in love, get married, have children, find passion, make assertions about things far beyond our understanding, we gain knowledge, we search for meaning, we develop opinions and beliefs, we contribute to society, but for what?
Kingdoms have risen above the shadows of mighty men.
Those same kingdoms have fallen int ruin.
They are in the history books.
Dusty pages of information to teach us, so that we can live, etc etc.
But what does it mean?
What does it say?
Who will be there to listen?
I have this sense of urgency.
Like everything is in need of immediate attention.
Because life is so short,
And so much is wasted.
I'm sorry if you think I am going insane.
Maybe I am.
It was never my intention.
But I need you.
If you want to help, calm me.
Simply be there.
Be permanent, make me a promise and keep it.
Change my mind about things.
Please don't give up on me.
There is no one who will love you like I do.
Even if I don't show you correctly.
Love me back with fury and strength.
Make me feel safe.
Show me that you need me.
Because, Cara Mia, I need you.
And I want to be needed.
To be useful and enjoyable.
Maybe it is futile but it is all we have.
I'm so tired.
I'm so afraid.
I'm so in love.