For Chance. I know youll see it here.

Chance, listen, I don't know how many times you want me to apologise. I explained everything in great detail. Im am still here, talking to you and being your friend, een though its really not easy right now. I told you when this started that it wasn't a forever thing. im in highschool. youre jujst graduating. we have our entire lives ahead of us, and it's better this way. If you need me to explain it again, i will. call me. after this weekend because imtrying to stay distracted. ill explain it one more time. then you have to promise you'll accept it, because i am so sorry. i neer wanted to hurt you, and what frusterates me most is that you KNOW that. Thats why I did this now, instead of months from now. it would have been harder then. and you know it. But the bottom line is that I had to. For both of us. You don't have to believe me, and you probably wont, but thats the truth. I am sorry. I really am. Very sorry, because you know what I think of you. And you know that I have nothing say about you. And I don't. I HAVE NOT moved on. Apparently you really don't know me at all. If you think I could ever do that, then you don't know the first thing about me. Once again, Im sorry that I had to do this. I hate myself for it. I take full responsibility and I feel terrible. But I had to. And that's what Im focusing on. I cant going on feeling this way, and you shouldnt either. We werent right for each other, Chance. If you spend a little time, really thinking about all the facts, all that happened while we were together, youd know that too. You would see that I was never right for you. You deserve so much more than me. You need someone who can love you and isnt hung up on another guy that she'll never get back. You desere that, so go and find it. I will move on eventually. But I NEED YOU TO KNOW that I have not. I dont move that quickly. It took me a year just to accept another guys proposal after Kyle. It would never have worked. It was wrong from the begining. I broke all my rules. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I loved every moment, and regret nothing. If youdon't agree, or if you're mad or refuse to understand, thats ok. I wont be upset, or angry at you, or even suprised. You should be upset. But you have to try and get past this. Because it happened. And I know from experience that all the tears, anger, depression and wishing in the world cant change whats done. It doesnt bring people back. Im so sorry. Please believe me. I have to end this because im in a trailer at a camp ground trying to enjoy myself. Just elieve me. Youll be fine. -Ashleigh

How am I supposed to trust you?
You don't trust me.
My intentions are always honorable.
I think Im doing things right.
I think Im finally getting on your good side.
And then you start yelling again.
You never give an explination.
You just start yelling.
I have never done anything you would object to.
Except for that one car ride last memorial day weekend.
Other than that, my record is spotless.
Ive never betrayed your trust,
Never snuck out of the house,
Never drank,
Never smoked,
Never even liked a guy until I was sixteen.
You don't know how lucky you are.
I'm a good girl.
Ask my friends.
I dont even curse frequently.
I go to church,
Say my prayers,
I'm pacient,
I listen,
I am constantly doing things for you,
Taking care of your children,
Sure, my rooms a little messy at times,
But that sure isn't why youre constantly mad at me.
If that's all it takes, then I will never make you happy.
Althought I am already pretty sure I never will.
Nothing I do satisfies you.
Nothing I say you actually hear.
You cut me off,
Yell some more,
And scream at me when I inturrupt, begging you to let me say one thing.
Yousay you trust me,
But you're a liar.
Don't know why.
Ive never done a damned thing wrong.
And now,
I really want to.
I want to so bad.
I want to destroy your trust,
I want to piss you off to the ends of the earth.
I want to go get drunk,
Sleep with a guy I met at a truck ralley,
And contract some rare, but not life threatening STD
So that every time a doctor calls,
You are reminded of it.
I want to do something you will never forgive or forget
Because you deserve it.
You make everyone loathe you.
My mother ends up paying, as well as everyone else in the house.
All I want is to enjoy the last bit of time I have with you,
And Im pretty sure you want to destroy what's left of our relationship.
I want to leave,
But I couldn't do that to them.
They dont deserve it.
Im not here for you.
Im here for them.
No, I dont hate you.
I think you're a dick and an arrogant ass hole,
I can't stand you most of the time,
And yet,
There is some inherent human instinct telling me to love you.
Because I am your child.
And so, I do.
I have those fleeting, and yet wonderful memories of us having fun.
Fishing, hiking, camping, playing guitar by a fire.
Yea, its hard to believe now that those things actually happened.
You must have prepared for an adolescant rebellion,
And freaked out when I didn;t rebel.
So you forced me too because thats the way this is supposed to go.
Well done.
I want to rebel.

S.O.S

Suddenly I am two different people.
One of me
(we'll call her Ash)
Wants to make this work.
She keeps saying,
Think about this.
He's sweet,
He's trying really hard,
He cares about you deply,
And most people would kill to have a guy like that.
You're being silly,
Not seeing what you have right in front of you.
And my God, those eyes...
But
The other part;
Leigh;
She says
Get out while the goin's still good.
She is constantly screaming
This isn't right,
He's not the kind of person you need.
You need silliness and space,
Oxygen,
Room to breathe,
Independance.
You're trapped.
And the longer you wait,
The harder it will be.
You don't want to go through this again.
Remember when we were single?
Remember how much fun we had?
Ah, the good old days...
And so while Ash and Leigh are batteling it out,
Ashleigh is stuck in the center,
An optimistic, sweet heart on her right shoulder,
A freedom loving angst poet on her left,
And Ashleigh is slowly losing her mind.
I don't know what to do.
And I hate not knowing.
I wish I could give a deffinite answer.
My gut says one thing,
And my heart says another.
My deep desire for lasting connections,
Companionship
And comfort
is saying;
Stay.
Wait it out just a little longer.
Then, my need to be free,
To be able to joke and play and run
Says that its time to go.
And the pit of my stomache says something's not right.
!@#(&#$%^&^*&%^%$#
Relationships suck.