In This Dust That Was A City

Can you miss a nuclear explosion?
I know, it sounds rediculous.
But just think.
What if, at the moment of deployment,
You blink.
For an instant.
Just once.
At the exact moment.
Do you miss it?
It is possible for you to just...
Skip over it.
The blink of your eye takes you to the other side.
From a street with buildings freshly painted and standing strong,
To ruin and destruction,
Without actually putting you in the action.
Well,
I think it must be.
Because how else could all of this stuff happen?
How else could one go from flying high
To sinking under?
I just don't understand it.
I didn't see that moment.
I missed the last straw on the cammels back,
The tipping point.
I missed the fire,
And somehow was left burried in ashes.
I know something happened.
Some catastrophic disaster that caused irreversable damage,
But I don;t know what that disaster was.
I can't find the key that broke the lock.
And what good is that?
If you're going to live through hell,
You want to remember the sight, right?
If you have to be permanently damaged,
Defective,
and out of sync,
You at the very least,
Want something to hold on to.
Some image of terror,
That reminds you of why.
I don't know why.
All I am sure of is what is.

You're so far away.
I want to hold you too.
I want to be with you too.
But you're so far away.
As I sit alone,
Silenced in silent corners,
My mind drifts.
It drifts to being close,
Being held,
Being safe.
And you're so far away.
I am my own enemy.
My worst nightmare.
The one thing holding me back.
And you're so far away.
So far away that my nerve endings itch.
Desperate for warmth,
Solice,
Comfort.
And you're so far away.
I had a plan,
Damnit.
A good one.
I was going to be independant.
And you're so far away.
I was going to be somewhere,
Doing something,
On my own.
I was going to live free.
Im so far away.
Now I just want you to be closer.
Sooner.

Gray.

Which Way is up
Which way is down
Which is the quickest
Escape out of town
Things fall apart
And spyral and sink
It happens in seconds
So I try not to blink
Nothing else matters
To me anymore
Nothing is helping
I can't find the cure
If nothing can stay
And everything ends
What is the point
Of trying again???

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#$%^&*

I'm Sorry.
I don't know what to think,
Or say,
Or do.
You are three steps ahead and I'm falling behind.
And you're getting impacient
And frusterated.
And you should be.
I suck miserably at this game.
And I feel worthless and horrible,
Because I want to think of you constantly,
And whisper sweet, soft words in your ear.
And do silly little things to make you crazy.
I WANT to love you.
You have no idea how much.
But.
Yes, to every good story, there is a but.
I am someone.
Someone whom you may never fully understand.
Because my mind is a complicated web composed of the fibers
that developed from connections
With friends,
With family,
With words,
With rhythm,
With sound and music,
With him.
I hate it.
HATE it.
It infuriates me that I can't silence my mind.
And I hate him!
For all of this
I blame him, damnit!
I was fine.
Perfect.
In love with life.
I was independant, growing stronger.
Then I was pummeled to the ground
By a worthless guy who blinded me.
Stripped me of my Passions,
My Hopes,
My Imagination.
And now, I can't be that girl for you.
Someone who really deserves it.
Because you're beautiful.
And amazing
And flawless
And charming
And smart.
You know just what to say.
He never cared about me like you do.
Never asked me where I was going,
Or told me to be careful.
He never begged me to call him when I reached my destination.
He was reckless,
Detached,
Distant,
Unconcerned.
You're the opposite.
And I don't know what to do.
Because I'm realizing,
I am just like him.
I want to run.
Please don't let me.
Hold me back.
Every time I start to inch away,
Grab my collar and pulll me in.
Call me Lucky and put a metal tag around my neck.
I need a protector.
Someone who can save me from myself.
Not the world.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.

A Warning.

You don't want to follow in my footsteps.
I walk into walls.
You deserve much more than this,
Cause you deserve it all.
I don't have the slightest clue
As to where this road will lead.
Promise me one thing my love,
Turn away, don't follow me.