Overwhelmed

I am so tired.
Mentally, emotionally,
Physically.
I have not slept soundly in months.
I wake up horrified and sick.
Or I just wake up for no reason, which sometimes is worse.
If I'm not worrying about one thing, I'm worrying about another,
Because I have gotten to the point where I have little faith.
I don't trust anyone and I hate it.
All I see is people leaving.
People who were never supposed to let me down are.
I feel useless and unnecessary when all I want is for someone to need me as desperately as I need them.
Then, maybe, I won't feel so crazy.
I miss my best friends,
I miss my family,
I miss the guy I love when he is sitting right next to me
Because I feel like he is going to leave.
I should know better,
Or at least enough not to think and dwell on it.
But everything doesn't happen for a reason.
Some things just happen because Life' a bitch.
There is no Carma, no destiny.
There is a yesterday and a today.
And followed by today will be a tomorrow,
And another and another and another.
Eventually, one of those wont have a tomorrow.
And that will be that.
Life will be lived and done and you wont be able to go back and retrieve a damn thing.
So why do we do it?
Why do we make ourselves crazy?
The futility of our day to day lives.
It's intoxicating and maddening.
We go to school to learn and prepare ourselves for work.
We go to wok to afford to live.
we want to afford to live so that when we retire we can be comfortable.
We retire comfortably so that we die in peace.
So basically, we live to die.
Sure, we do things in there.
We have fun, make discoveries,meet people, fall in love, get married, have children, find passion, make assertions about things far beyond our understanding, we gain knowledge, we search for meaning, we develop opinions and beliefs, we contribute to society, but for what?
Kingdoms have risen above the shadows of mighty men.
Those same kingdoms have fallen int ruin.
They are in the history books.
Dusty pages of information to teach us, so that we can live, etc etc.
But what does it mean?
What does it say?
Who will be there to listen?
I have this sense of urgency.
Like everything is in need of immediate attention.
Because life is so short,
And so much is wasted.
I'm sorry if you think I am going insane.
Maybe I am.
It was never my intention.
But I need you.
If you want to help, calm me.
Simply be there.
Be permanent, make me a promise and keep it.
Change my mind about things.
Please don't give up on me.
There is no one who will love you like I do.
Even if I don't show you correctly.
Love me back with fury and strength.
Make me feel safe.
Show me that you need me.
Because, Cara Mia, I need you.
And I want to be needed.
To be useful and enjoyable.
Maybe it is futile but it is all we have.
I'm so tired.
I'm so afraid.
I'm so in love.

"Even though we think we have changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point that you are'nt my best friend-i promise you that. ♥ ”

Startin to get my Groove back

This is not how it is supposed to go.
This was not in the plan.
My plan was always to leave.
To get out of here as soon as I could.
But now,
I don't wanna be anywhere else.
All of a sudden,
It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing.
The only thing that matters is who I'm with.
And if its not you, I am not interested.
This is insane.
My priorities have shifted drastically.
Instead of wrtiting novels and playing guitar with my friends on the weekends,
I'm watching masonry competitions.
Driving around downtown.
Replanning my future so that we both fit.
Thinking about things to do that we both might enjoy.
Because I no longer like operating as a single unit.
I have always been pretty independant.
So what I'm wondering is how you did this to me.
It was never my intention to meet someone
Whose going on vacation would make me cry.
It was never my intention
To be this settled and decided this early.
I'm only eighteen.
I have my whole life ahead of me.
But now,
All I see in my future is you.
At least, thats all Im looking forward too.
Am I scared?
You're damn straight.
Am I reconsidering?
Never.
Because suddenly,
Everything I understood makes no sence.
But everything I never understood is perfectly clear.
Love truly is earth shattering.
A hurricane that no one notices.
I tornado that no one sees.
An erruption that no one hears
But the fire of which reshapes the contour of the entire planet.
Nothing is the same as love.
Nothing is as beautiful, as vital, as fresh, as crucial.
And nothing is as innocent.
As pure.
As true.
As moving.
As inspiring.
Nothing makes changes like love.

I know why I have writers block. It's because they haven't come up with words, yet, to fully express how I'm feeling. And because I've never felt like this before, I haven't had time to make them up. "I love you" isn't strong enough. There needs to be a word more pure. Less adulterated by the years of abuse the word "love" has taken. The Greeks know what theyre talking about. Did you know they have like fifteen different ways of saying the same basic thing? Or, actually, it's not the same basic thing and they understand that. That is where the Greek language is much more effective than English could ever dream of being. They have a word to describe the love they feel for family, a different one for the love they feel for their children, another for their significant other, (theres a few of those), and another for their God. It's crazy, but brilliant. That's what we need. Because I myself am guilty of misusing the word "love." Take, for example, a phrase like, "I love tacos." Now, what I SHOULD say is, "I really like to eat tacos." Because I feel no sort of romantic affection or heartfelt connection with tacos. Its just a taco. And so, when I say I love you to YOU, it doesnt feel strong enough, because the word has been used to describe tacos, or a favorite tv show, or a book, or a song. And none of these things are actually "loved." Not like I love you. I love you the most.

For Nicholas.

This is something my boyfriend wrote he does not think it is very good but i do because i believe in him and encourage him like that and he loves me for it! i know that cause he has said so. Anyway this is what he wrote.

Fencing is the second safest Olympic sport and one of many other Olympic sports. It was recognized as such in the late eighteen hundreds. Fencing has come a long way since then and is growing in popularity in America. This is mainly due to the fact that the women’s saber team won all three metals in the 2008 Olympics. If you do not know what fencing is do not worry I’m getting to that.

Basically fencing is a sport where two people fight, or “have a bout” with each other using one of three types of swords. The three types are Foil, Saber, and Epee. Each weapon has its own rules that go along with it. For every weapon though the goal pretty much is to hit the other person with the tip or blade of your sword, and not to get hit by there’s.

Fencing may seem dangerous by the fact that you are stabbing at each other with a sword, but it is actually one of the safest. This is because the swords used are blunted and have rubber tips on the end and because each person where’s safety gear. The gear all fencers where are jackets, gloves, and masks. The jacket is made to stop penetration form a broken and sharp sword. The gloves cover your hands and the mask has a metal mesh that covers your face and sides of you head. It is padded so when you are hit in the face you can hardly feel it.

The sports root come from Nobel kings and knights who had duels of honor. These people naturally wanted to practice so they made blunted swords to do so with. You may recall in Hamlet when laurtise and Hamlet had a duel near the end of the play, this is what I am talking about. 35 years or so ago came the invention of electric fencing, where the swords electronically set off a score box when one person is hit. This is what is used today.

Fencing is a very fun activity to do, and can be done by kids as young as 7 or 8 and adults as old as 80 or 85. The sport is open to people who want to fence competitively and maybe even go to the Olympics some day, to those who are just looking to stay in shape. If you are interested in learning how to fence look for a club in your area or a university with a fencing program.

Floodland

These rivers are bound to overflow. The rain will fall; drowning torrents of glass blue beads pulled by gravity, cascading life into the streets and yards and hills and valleys, filling the rivers to capacity until the floodgates give way and that vital water rushes out beyond its barriers, into our world. The it will make a mad dash for the sea. We are these rivers. You and I. We will take in life like sweet summer sunshine until we cannot hold anymore. Then we will pour it out. We will travel the world, gorging our own path, blazing our own trail, and making our own history. Like each raindrop that falls tonight. They wont remember us. They wont take note of our journey or call us out by name. They wont notice the water level in the ocean rise. But they will see the flowers that grow in our tracks, the nourishment provided in our forgotten fragments. They will know, somehow, deep in the subconscious reaches of their mind, that we were here. That we were love. We are as infinite as those raindrops in the river. We can never end. We fall, we flood, we run, we grow, we disappear, we fall again. Together forever. In this lifetime and the next. Immortal, no matter what they say. Because things like you and me don’t just fade away. We become part of the atmosphere.

These Eyes

rain is fallin from the sky

on a Sunday afternoon.

And here beneath the world we lie,

Under the shelter of our youth.

Time has flown by, time has ceased

Ever since you rescued me.

I find it hard now to believe

I was alive before your company.

Cuz I dont know how I survived

On my own in those troubled times,

Searchin through the dark without a clue.

They say the moon could never shine

Without the sun there on it's side

Just like I would be lost without you.

And I know there may come a day

When you'll walk away,

And Ill just have to watch and wave goodbye.

But I want you to know,

Ill never be the one to go.

I love you with a truth words can't deny.

(fragments of a new song. out of order, but more to come. In which, the title will make sence.xD)

The Seizure of Winter

Cold winter on the shore,
Dripping down the glass panes,
Hanging on the mighty pine trees like a prisoner of war.
Gray skies, and a full moon,
Ever inturrupted by the shaddow of whisping winter clouds,
Blurring the vision of his magesty,
Lording above the treetops as an emperor directing an army.
They brought the winter and the cold in with the tide.
Ushered them in like a scared puppy,
Then seized them captive,
Effortlessly and with the greatest of ease.
Standing firm among the chill whispering winds,
The pines echo their laughter off the night air.
The moon projects his halo as a victory banner,
Lighting up my world like the bright lights of the city.
Not a bird, nor a plane, nor even the sun,
Dare entreat on this celebration of lights.
This solstace is his.
A victory over the warmth, and the color.
The sun has returned to it's rightful place below the moon.
The winter is his.
The night is his,
To disperse in incraments of his desire
Among the lonely wolves and the barren fields.
Dripping, drabbeling, drowning
In a pool of melted gray.

Questions

What am I without you?

Where am I?

Who am I?

My friends are my mirrors.

Without them, I cannot see my own reflection.

My friends are my anchor.

My lighthouse.

Without them, I'm lost to sea,

Tossed in a churned ocean;

A raging storm.

How far will we go before we come back?

Different states?

Different coasts?

Different countries?

Different hemispheres?

Will we ever come back?

Is everything that we had just gone to the wind

Now that we are growing up and going off on our own paths?

Do we just forget and move on?

I don't know if I can do that.

You mean the world to me, and what do you do when your world is gone?

You're stuck in space.

A wierd twilight zone of confusion and chaos.
But the chaos doesn't matter

And the confusion makes no difference.

It is inevitable and unavoidable.

These changes are rapid fire,

And they take no prisoners.

Is it all or nothing?

Do we have to say goodbye?

I want to be brave.

Shhh. Stop. Nows the moment. Closer...closer...make contact...eyes closed...deep breath...5,4,3,2-

fail. Its like a trainwreck.

Lets runaway, just you and me.
These walls and this town are closing in.
Its always something.
Someone.
Every time.
I just want to be with you.
Where nothing can stop the flow.
We can sleep all day,
Under the warmth of the sun,
In a field built for you and I.
Breathing slowly, feathery eyed.
Interlaced beneath the sky.
We can run, hand in hand,
Through tall grass, ignoring time and space,
And everyones plans.
Don't you want to get away?
Make the great escape, like we used to say we would.
Jump a train, ride until we're caught.
Make our lives where the train tracks stop.
Im tired of life getting in the way.
Of holding back any public display.
You and I, well, we're meant to be.
I hope that you haven't lost sight of our dreams.
One of these days, I will show you a place
Where we can dissapear.
Inside our hearts, our souls, our minds,
Nomatter where we go.
We need to be wild,
While were still young.
Im in, If you're in.

@#$%^%$%#

I can feel you
Slipping through my fingers like dry sand.
My heart is pounding faster and faster.
I find myself naucious.
Ive felt like this before.
Like my entire world is about to spin off of its axis, and I wont know why.
And I wont be able to stop it.
I love you.
So much.
More than I can explain.
And I know that you are tired.
And you're probably getting frusterated.
And thats okay.
I want to be everything you need, and everything you could imagine wanting.
And Im trying to be.
Because I know I can.
I know its taking forever, and you are losing faith.
But don't give up on me.
There are things holding me back,
That shouldn't be holding me back anymore.
And Im trying to let go for you.
Slowly, it's working.
So don't give up on me yet.
You are my world.
And I dont want to lose you.

<3

Safe.
The world is scary. Terrifying, even.
Everywhere I turn, Im finding more things to dread.
There are darkened corners,
And shifting shaddows.
Masked offenders,
And creeping villains.
Nothing is risk free.
No where is safe.
No where but with you.
Im very rarely not afraid.
Very seldomly do I find courage or bravery.
Usually I am just fine hiding in my shell
Where I know the limits.
But you.
You are not afraid.
I dont think you're afraid of anything.
And your courage keeps me calm.
I know,
Beyond a shaddow of a doubt,
That I do not have to be afraid.
Not when Im with you.
I dont need to look over my shoulder,
Or mark a path,
Or stand on constant guard.
I can relax
And breathe.
Find comfort in knowing that I get to be the girl attached to your arm,
For as long as destiny allows.
And I want you to know,
I have not felt that way in a very long time.
Sweetly,
Simply,
Safe.

Riddle Me This

She's a human train wreck,
A walking paradox.
She says she wants to disapear,
But she's already lost.
She has eyes of ocean blue,
But see's in shades of gray.
She's never gotten very far,
But she always runs away.
Not a person understands her,
But she has a simple mind.
She spends her days lost in the past,
But she's running out of time.
Those who weren't supposed to hurt her
Have moved on long ago.
She spends her hours deep in thought,
But she already knows.
The boy who'se lurking in the shaddows,
She's waiting for his call,
But the moment that he takes her hand,
Three steps behind she'll fall.
She wants to be a writer,
But the poet in her died.
She wants to be an artist,
But she's already tried.
She says she wants to see the world.
But she's scared to leave the nest.
She wants to learn to fly someday,
But fears she'll pass the test.
You think that you can save her,
Maybe turn a bright light on.
Darkness is her biggest fear,
But this girl's already gone.
If you're looking for her look away.
You'll find her by suprise.
Dont try to study all her ways.
You'll never memorize.
There's no map to give directions,
Not a star to give a wink.
There's just so much more I could say,
But her pen is outof ink.

Hmmmmmmmm

He's the strong, silent type.
He's wondering what he's gotten himself into,
But he doesn't seem to mind.
He sits quietly,
Paciently,
Like sunlight on a window pane,
Grinning as I ramble on.
He never inturrupts,
Never complains,
Never questions.
He justs sits.
And listens.
He looks away where I seek out.
He stays quiet where I speak up.
He stays still while I run around.
And yet,
He has courage where I have nothing but fear.
He seems to enjoy being the stable center around which i spin.
All smiles, most of the time.
All positive outlook and compassion.
Clever and silly.
His silence is calming.
His stillness is serenity
In a chaotic and whirling place.
Always easy to find,
And the first one I look for.
Now, if I can just keep him happy,
This may have a happy ending...